Photo by Marion Michele on Unsplash
This article first appeared on SHE'SAID' and has been republished with permission.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d ever admit they needed help. But I’d had my heart smashed into pieces, and my bad dating choices were making me depressed. For instance, I was dating this one guy, and, let’s just say, there were four other women who could have said the same thing about him.
I was taking my mind off the situation by browsing a business group I was a member of and saw a woman advertising an event she had coming up about finding Mr Right. I decided to leave a comment, with no intention of attending the event, as I lived in a different state. She ended up private messaging me, and after a few messages back and forth, we organized a time to have a proper phone chat. We talked about my dating history, the fact I’d never had a real boyfriend, and the kind of men I could see myself with. From then on, I had weekly sessions with her for two months.
I went to her for advice before dates. We went over situations from my past to work out what could have been done differently so I’d feel empowered the next time it happened. She even helped me devise texts to send to men. And, most importantly, I learned the following things about myself when it comes to dating…
I learned I’m worthy of dating a good guy.
I constantly believed that because I was always in bad relationships, I didn’t deserve to be in a good one. My inner belief system kept telling me that since I was attracting these toxic men, I mustn’t be that good myself. Although we worked on changing my belief systems surrounding men and relationships, we also worked on my belief systems about myself, which helped me realize how much of a catch I really am.
I developed the confidence to speak my mind.
If a man I was dating did something that really wasn’t cool with me, I’d often suck it up because I was scared they’d break up with me for being too high maintenance. She taught me how to be diplomatic with my approach, but to also express my boundaries at the beginning of the relationship and have the confidence to do so. Remember, you teach people how you want to be treated.
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I learned to see his side of things.
It’s easy to head to a group chat with your girls and bag on a guy when he doesn’t do something you want. But my coach made me realize there were times I was being quite unreasonable, and would express situations in a way that helped me see his side of things. I could see that sometimes my irrational approach to situations was sparking arguments that could easily have been prevented.
I realized dating can be a fun process.
I didn’t want to go on another date again after I’d mended my broken heart, but she made me see how much fun dating can be and how many amazing men are out there. I experimented with online dating and began to date men I would never have originally gone for. She gave me the confidence to date these new people, which helped me realize the kind of guy I want to end up with.
I was taught how to make better dating choices.
Rather than just assessing men based on their looks, my dating coach asked me to assess them based on their values and permanent personality traits. I sat down and worked out what my values were and where I saw myself heading, as well as the kind of man I could see myself dating. I could easily compromise on something like looks if it meant the man was more ambitious and a match for me career-wise. Before seeing her, I was dating men who wanted me to be a stay-at-home mum who gave them seven children, whereas I want to work and buy Chanel.
I began to trust and believe in the process of finding love.
I believe there are people out there for everyone. I dropped the belief that good love will never find me. Before I saw my dating coach, I’d put my life on hold to sit by the phone and wait for a guy to text me. I was living life fearing rejection and not being myself in relationships. She made me realize it’s not meant to work out with everyone I go on a date with, and that I really need to trust the dating process.
I’m glad I hired someone to teach me how to date. I figure people hire coaches all the time, so what’s the difference with hiring a dating coach?
Images via giphy.com.