Dear Snuggle Bunny, Happy Valentine’s Day!
I hope they’re serving your favorite pudding flavor at the cafeteria today. I would send some chocolates, but I’m not allowed anymore since they found the shiv in the birthday cake I sent you.
I know we’re not on the best terms right now, but do you think you could forgive me? Don’t believe what the rest of the world says. They’re a bunch of phonies, anyway. You know the truth and the truth is that I love you more than life itself. From the moment I first saw your bloody heart tattoo framed by your impossibly bushy eyebrows, I was spellbound. Your wrinkly skin, paunchy gut, and sagging balls continue to be irresistible, and you know your luscious, wiry beard slays me.
I can’t wait for our married life together. Nothing brings me more joy than seeing your face behind inch-thick glass from nine to noon every Saturday and Sunday. My heart sings when I hear the operator tell me I have a collect call coming in from the Corcoran State Prison. I dream about the beautiful babies we’ll make from the semen you’ll smuggle outside in reused, plastic sandwich bags. Every time I smell bologna, I’ll think of you artificially inseminating me.
What the media has been saying about me wanting to display your corpse and everything is just outrageous. It’s so dumb because we all know you’re going to live forever. It’s disgusting the way they spread lies when we all know white people are the real victims in this country. I can barely go on Twitter without someone saying something mean to me! So what do you say? Let’s renew that marriage license and get the show on the road because we are totally meant to be.
Love you always,