She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to…Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
I am a 30-year-old heterosexual man and my girlfriend and I have been dating for about three months. All in all we get along, I enjoy her company, and we don’t argue. But, I’m starting to feel like we are not that compatible, especially when it comes to sex.
I admit that I’m a bit “vanilla,” I don’t have a lot of experience with anything too kinky. My girlfriend is far more adventurous by nature. There are things that I have tried with her that I haven’t before. And some of them have been exciting and pleasurable and some of them just leave me feeling like WTF am I doing here.
Her most recent request is what’s sort of sending me over the edge. She wants me to pee on her during sex. She doesn’t just want me to pee on her, she wants me to pee in her.
I feel really uncomfortable with this. She often wants to play around with sort of light domination/submission stuff and things that degrade her in a way during sex.
I know that’s not how she sees it and I’m trying to play along, but I feel like shit after. I feel like I’m playing the role of some asshole rapist guy who is degrading this woman who I respect and care for.
Also if this is supposed to happen during sex, I’m not even sure how it will work. I can’t pee with an erection.
Her attitude is that I’m being way too “straight” about all of it and that I need to loosen up and “stop being a wuss.” I’m trying, but the pee thing feels like I’d be crossing a line. Even if I could get myself to pee on her, I have no idea how I could possibly pee IN her.
I don’t know what to do. It’s making me question our relationship. With every new sexual request, I get more anxious about what’s next. I can’t help but think that something more extreme will come after the pee. I’m feeling really conflicted.
What should I do? Do I just suck it up and do it to make her happy even though it makes me feel uncomfortable? Is this a bad sign of things to come? Do you think I should get out of this relationship?
-To Pee or Not to Pee
Dear “To Pee or Not to Pee,”
Sexual compatibility is a big deal.
For a long-term relationship to thrive, it’s essential that both partners have similar sexual tastes and proclivities, because a major difference in that area probably cannot not be sustained, even if it feels exciting in the beginning.
It is important in a committed relationship to stay open to your partner’s desires and to have a willingness to try things that you may not have thought of/tried.
However, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, no one should force themselves to do or try anything in bed that makes them feel badly.
Her taste in kink is hers to own and there’s nothing wrong with that, but doing something that makes you feel so conflicted is likely to do more harm than good to your relationship.
A conversation should be had. You need to have an honest and open talk with her about why it makes you uncomfortable and what your concerns are about your sex life. You may find that you are just not well-suited for each other, and that’s no one’s fault.
If you have a question for me about love, sex, parenting, breakups, friendship problems, the best salted peanut butter cookies, Hate (the comic book), lucid dreaming, or anything at all, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. As always, your anonymity is golden. xox