From Monogamy To Open Marriage is a weekly column devoted to the discussion of pursuing sex and love outside marriage.
Me: Hello! I read your profile, and I like what you have to say. It seems we have some common interests. Would you like to chat?
Couple A: Hi. Thanks for messaging us. We are looking for the right couple to meet as friends first. If things work out, we’d like it to be a regular thing. But you should know she calls the shots and it’s always up to her how far we’ll go with another couple. She’s the one that’s in charge.
Couple B: Good afternoon, I saw your profile and your wife is gorgeous! My wife’s fantasy is to be with another woman while I watch. My wife is super hot, so I think you two would really enjoy her. BTW she’s never done this before.
Me: Hey, thanks for your message. Have her contact me (Eva) to talk about her fantasy.
Couple B: She doesn’t log into this site. I’m the one that sets everything up.
Couple C: My wife is away on business. She gave me a hall pass so I can play with others while she’s gone. Do you two have any interest in meeting?
Me: You sent this same exact message three months ago.
When we first started dabbling in the world of swinging, we were not aware of the amount of bullshit we’d have to sift through. The fake profiles, the photo collectors, the endless run-around, the flakes, the pushy people — we should have been prepared for all of this. And then, there are those who are so focused on their fantasy that they get nowhere. They forget to leave a little wiggle room for the fact that they’re trying to find another couple who might have a different idea.
Couple A is the type of couple we hear from most often.
Usually, couple A is an inexperienced couple. “She calls all the shots” isn’t exactly our idea of a fun evening. Why would anyone want one person in control of what happens and how far everyone is allowed to go? Yes, the more apprehensive person should be the one to set the limits, but we are not going to jump at the chance to get together with a couple just so one person can shut the whole thing down when things finally get hot and heavy. That doesn’t sound like an exciting erotic night. No thanks. On to the next.
Couple B is the couple we will NEVER meet up with.
If this is indeed a fantasy, why isn’t his wife contacting me about it? And I’ve thought this scenario through: It’s the wife’s first time, so she’s inexperienced, BUT, allegedly, her big fantasy is to have her husband watch her fumble through a potentially awkward first-time experience with a woman? Boy, the thought of that is such a turn on for me!
I guess this means my husband gets to crack open a beer and leer at this first timer and me, perhaps standing shoulder to shoulder and intermittently high-fiving with her husband? What if she gets nervous in front of our audience and decides she doesn’t want to do this? What if her lack of experience makes her, well, boring in bed for me? I’m not going to clear my schedule so that I can increase my chances of having a night end with a heavy dose of sexual frustration. Isn’t it obvious that I don’t even want to change out of my sweatpants for this?
Couple C: come on now. Couple C isn’t a couple.
It’s a guy that knows he’ll get more replies if he pretends to be a couple. His “wife” is always away, but he has super hot photos of her. Oh, and she’s fine with him going out without her, but we’re never going to meet her. No thank you.
There are real couples out there. But finding them isn’t all that simple. When we meet couples online, after the few initial messages back and forth, we exchange photos. In the beginning, I failed to realize how hard it would be to find a couple that’s appealing to both my husband and me. (and vice versa) Everyone has their own version of what’s desirable and what might be a deal breaker. Back when I was dating, the selection process was all up to me and the prospective date.
Looking for a couple for NSA sex involves four different opinions. It’s almost too complicated. It’s almost too much effort. This might be why we prefer having single people join us. Singles are much easier to find, and most of them allow us to focus on us.
Is this selfish? I think so.
But why would we be doing this for any other reason than our own pleasure?