6 Dirty Talk Tips From A Phone Sex Operator

Dirty talk, at its core, is simply sexual communication.

Dirty talk increases sexual pleasure—it's science. But why is that? As it turns out, our brains are just one, big erogenous zone. "People enjoy dirty talking because it activates all regions of your brain while your body is also getting stimulated," explains psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish. "The brain is our most powerful sexual organ, even more powerful than the male and female genitalia, because it’s where sex drive stems from."  

But figuring out what to say in the heat of the moment, without feeling awkward or having it come out all wrong, can be hard, especially if you haven't done it with your partner before.

As the saying goes, practice makes perfect—the more you talk dirty, the easier it becomes.

So who better to show us the ropes than a lady who has done it for a living? 

Sexuality educator and cannasexual Ashley Manta became a phone sex operator in 2013. "I had just moved to Los Angeles and needed a job that I could start immediately and make money from quickly," she says. "I'd always been told that I had a great voice for phone sex, so I figured, why the hell not?" Manta has since written an entire guide for those who want to get better at pillow talk: A Feminist's Guide to Phone Sex. Here are her best tips for using dirty talk to heighten your sexual experience.

1. Plan with your partner.

Springing some dirty talk on your partner can be met with confusion, especially if you haven't tried it out before. Manta suggests having a pep-talk beforehand to make sure your partner is interested in trying it out and to establish a game plan. "It's totally okay to say something like, 'I just read an article on Ravishly about dirty talk, and I was hoping to try it. Can we talk about what that might look like for us?" Manta says. 

2. Find new phrases.

Once you have dirty talk consent, Manta says to lay out some details, such as who's going to start and what words or phrases turn you and your partner on. Need some dirty lingo inspiration? "Pick up a book of erotica (I like Rachel Kramer Bussel's anthologies and two different color highlighters," Manta says. "Have each person go through and highlight the parts that turn them on. See where you overlap and where you diverge. Use that as a roadmap to plan out what you're going to say. If you get tongue-tied, it's okay to laugh at yourself!"

3. Use adjectives to your advantage.

"When I wrote my e-book, I made a list of sex-related adjectives so that people could figure out what works for them," says Manta. "Some folks love flowery language like 'pleasure cavern' while others prefer more blunt language like 'cock.' I also made a list of sentence stems for people to choose from, kind of like dirty Mad-Libs." A few suggestions to try: "I love the way you ____ my ____," "I can't wait to feel your _______ touching/inside/around/licking my ______," and "I want you to _____ my _______ until ________."

 

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4. Time it right.

"Dirty talk, at its core, is simply sexual communication," says Manta. "I like to do it as part of the lead up ('I can't wait to get you naked tonight') as well as throughout the experience to narrate what's happening in your body." A few of Manta's suggestions: "Oh yes! Your _____ feel so good can I please have more? Yes just like that. I love the way you touch me!" and "That feels good, and ______ would make it even better!" for redirection. 

5. Practice outside the sheets.

Dirty talk doesn't need to be restricted to the bedroom. In fact, Manta says that trial runs over the phone or text can help dirty talk newbies get more comfortable with it. "Practice via phone or text as a warmup to get you used to saying things out loud," Manta says. "We live in a society that shames people for having sexual desires and where we are raised learning to experience pleasure in silence (growing up masturbating as stealthily as possible so as not to be discovered by siblings or parents, etc.). It takes effort to unlearn that shame, but it's worth it."

6. Use dirty talk as one of many experiments. 

"I love creating a container for sexual experimentation, without attachment to outcomes," Manta says. "That could look like setting aside 15 minutes to try a new skill, like dirty talk, and afterward agreeing to debrief and talk about what worked and what didn't, so you can evaluate whether or not it's something you want to incorporate more regularly. Some of my sex educator colleagues refer to this as a 'sex lab' which makes it feel playful and fun."


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