From Monogamy To Open Marriage: What Not To Say If You Want To Have Sex With Me

"I like to have a good time." No shit, Sherlock.

From Monogamy To Open Marriage is a bi-weekly column devoted to the discussion of pursuing sex and love outside marriage. 

If you’re a woman who wants casual sex with a man (or multiple men), I hope you know that the Internet boasts a vast and endless bountiful supply of cock. Are you a size queen? Do you prefer a dexterous or orally skilled man? Do you like dinner and drinks first? Do you want a (practically) anonymous encounter? 

Good news: Whatever you want, you can have. Post a profile, and they will come. Make sure you include a couple of great photos of yourself. Be as specific as you want about exactly what you want. Don’t hold back. You’ll find what you’re looking for if you put effort into sifting through the many replies your profile receives. While no one is going to be perfect, you can count on getting damn close to exactly what you’re thinking of if you truly want it. 

If you haven’t tapped the internet for casual sex yet, allow me to help you mentally prepare for the cringe-worthy messages and profiles you’ll undoubtedly read. If you’ve done this many times, have a seat and read along while you roll your eyes and do that imaginary jerking off motion as you go through my list of stupid shit guys say to women who want casual sex.

I like to have a good time. 

No shit, Sherlock. Most people who want a no-strings-attached bout of physical gratification are not looking for a bad time. Let’s hope you didn’t join a casual sex/hookup site because you enjoy hosting pity parties for yourself. 

I’m laid back. 

Really? I was hoping you’d tell me that you’re stressed and rigid and you take yourself too damn seriously. Thanks for telling me you’re laid back. Had you not said that I might have assumed you were tense as fuck. And tense as fuck is really hot! (No.)

I love women.

Uhm. Well, I guess if you hated women, I’d want to know that. But I’m assuming you enjoy being with a woman, touching a woman, putting your penis in/on various places involving a woman. So saying that you love women really doesn’t push you closer to the top of my next-in-line list at all. 

I am not selfish during sexy time! 

While this is usually said in a smoother way, i.e., I am a generous lover/I love pleasing women/I don’t cum until you do/your pleasure is my pleasure. I am wondering how many people actually believe this is a selling point. 

While I’ve had some lovers who were more generous than others, I think the last time somebody was really self-centered during sex with me was in high school? If you’re a grown ass adult, let’s hope you’ve learned that you can’t make sex all about you.

Please be real. 

Had you not stated this, I’d assume you were really into getting spam from agencies or being tricked by people who deliberately misrepresent themselves. You do realize that people are going to do that shit even if you ask them to “be real” right? 

I don’t like drama/Please be drama free. 

Okay, think of the opposite of this: “I like drama, and I’d like you to bring drama into my life.” Who would ever say that? Why the emphasis on avoiding drama? Drama (otherwise typically known as “when shit doesn’t go the way you want it to go”) is inevitable at times. People change their mind or have second thoughts or get turned off or have to cancel. I hope that’s not what you mean when you say “drama,” because that’s just part of life. 

I want to have hot sex! 

I’ll say it again: No shit, Sherlock! You’re on a website that focuses on casual hookups. Let’s hope you’re not here to sing campfire songs or knit booties. You’re contacting me on a hookup site, so I already know you’re looking for sex. You don’t have to tell me. I’m here for the same reason, genius.

I love to laugh! 

Wait. What? Why did you say that? Does anyone dislike laughing? What does this mean? Does this mean you’re going to be cracking jokes every two minutes while I’m trying just to get it on? If so, please be specific. I don’t want that. 

What should be said in a message to a woman such as myself who is on the prowl for cock on one of these sites or apps? 

The same thing one might say to a woman in person. Could you imagine if someone walked up to you and said one of the above things? I don’t need an intense connection to have casual sex; I do need some level of relatability and intellectual stimulation. Quoting Captain Obvious doesn’t do much for me. 

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