From Monogamy To Open Marriage is a weekly column devoted to the discussion of pursuing sex and love outside marriage.
“So what’s that all about — being a Size Queen?”
I was put on the spot by the host of the OffTheCuffs podcast. He wanted to know what made me decide to have a minimum size requirement. Too often, Size Queens are seen as women who shame men that lack porn quality (or comically large) genitals. At swinger events, many assume a Size Queen won’t even have a conversation with a man unless he can prove that he meets an unspoken minimum penis length requirement. Some men think that Size Queens don’t care about anything else, but the D. None of this applies to me.
To answer his question, I have to take a stroll down my sex and pleasure memory lane. A long stroll. When I first started exploring my body, I realized that I was really sensitive. Even though I didn’t know exactly what I was doing, I figured out that I could pleasure my body easily and I was very aroused by certain movements that took very little effort. I could lean against a washing machine, enjoy the rumbly vibration of riding in an old car, or grind back and forth on the seam of my jeans to make myself feel good. A car seatbelt across my nipple made my body tingle. A light stream of water between my legs in the shower seemed to force me to stand there until my heart raced, my stomach tightened, and my legs quivered.
If I prefer the kind of orgasms a long, thick penis gives me during intercourse over the orgasms that I have through oral or manual stimulation, I don’t see any harm in seeking out what is most pleasurable to me.
I would often crave the way these subtle, accidental forms of stimulation made me feel. Sometimes I was so distracted by these cravings that I got frustrated with myself. Occasionally I would attempt to forbid myself from doing anything that made me feel “like that” so that I would stop wanting to so much. I never lasted more than a day or two. Eventually, I got really good at making myself feel “like that” often and quickly.
A few years later, I had sex for the first time. In spite of what I read in teenage romance novels, and everything I heard from older, more experienced friends, my first time felt good. When it was over, I felt like I didn’t get enough. Even though I had been masturbating for years, I never put anything inside my vagina. I didn’t expect to like it so much. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have been so surprised. Since every other erogenous zone on my body was easily stimulated, I should have known I’d find actual sexual intercourse to be pleasurable too.
At that time, I didn’t know how to recreate the feeling of deep penetration by myself, but I knew better than to be “that kind” of girl. I wanted to have lots and lots of sex, but I wasn’t about to make that known. While I carefully tried to get the attention of every guy that I thought to be experienced, I quietly yearned for sex. When I succeeded in finding a boyfriend that would indulge me, I struggled with the fact that we couldn’t have sex very often. One of my boyfriend’s friends asked me to have sex with him and promised to keep it a secret. Sex with this friend felt completely different. The orgasms were more intense and required a lot less effort and focus.
That’s when I figured out that for me, size matters.
The friend had a larger penis than my boyfriend. And I loved how it felt when he pushed into me deep and hard during sex. A smaller penis couldn’t go as deep and give me the orgasm that, to this day, is the best of all orgasms (yes there are several!) for me. Long before I knew what a Size Queen was, I became one.
After that first experience with a larger penis, I had sex with many other men. Some I cared for deeply. Some I loved. Some of them had smaller penises. I still enjoyed sex because of the way my body responds, but whenever I was in a monogamous relationship with a man with a smaller (or average sized) dick, I longed for the kind of orgasm that deep penetration brought me. I could still orgasm through nipple stimulation, clitoral stimulation, anal stimulation/sex, and manual “g-spot” stimulation, so I wasn’t miserable by any means.
When I met, then married, my ex-husband, aside from feeling perpetually frustrated because his libido didn’t match mine, I spent years feeling unsatisfied during and after sexual intercourse. While toys were helpful, for me, nothing can replace the feeling of a large (real) penis attached to a sexually charged man who knows how hard and fast to move inside me, causing me to orgasm over and over until I can no longer think or speak clearly.
If I prefer the kind of orgasms a long, thick penis gives me during intercourse over the orgasms that I have through oral or manual stimulation, I don’t see any harm in seeking out what is most pleasurable to me. I will not shame a man for having a smaller penis, but I will choose not to have sex with him simply because I know he won’t be able to give me the kind of orgasm I enjoy the most.
Size isn’t everything, but to me, size matters if I want multiple orgasms during regular sexual intercourse.
I accept the title of “Size Queen” with a bit of reluctance because of its body-shaming connotation, but I have no qualms with admitting that I thoroughly enjoy a large penis. If knowing what works best for my body makes me a Size Queen, then Size Queen I am.