From Monogamy To Open Marriage is a weekly column devoted to the discussion of pursuing sex and love outside marriage.
When we first started looking for other non-monogamous couples, we quickly learned that finding a compatible couple is very challenging. We created a few online profiles on swinger websites and apps that were infamous for casual hookups, and we found ourselves a bit overwhelmed. Between browsing profiles and responding to and sending messages, we felt like we took on a part-time job lookingout for the online profile bait-and-switch. But unlike having an actual job, there was very little reward in exchange for the time and labor.
After learning things the hard way and wasting a lot of time, we realized that many couples’ profiles are chock full of information, but there are a lot of things they don’t say. Maybe we’re skeptics. Maybe we’re pessimists. After too many disappointing dates, we have learned to read between the lines. If you are exploring non-monogamy and you’ve considered playing with other couples, let me save you the trouble of wasting a lot of time online.
The following is a list of what most non-monogamous couples’ profiles should say, but don’t:
This is the best picture of us, and we don’t even look like this, ever.
Even though we don’t look terrible in real life, we chose to misrepresent ourselves, and we expect that this won’t bother you at all. When you see us in real life without filters or heavy makeup or deceptive camera angles, if you’re polite, you’ll make a conscious effort not to appear confused or disappointed. If you are incredibly polite, you will endure a drink or two with us before you very kindly tell us you have to leave to deal with some slightly urgent manner (your kids need to be picked up, or you’re suddenly not feeling well). We will probably message you later on tonight and THAT’s when you’ll tell us you’re not interested, but you will be too polite to say that our profile photos were misleading.
Oh, and this picture is at least five years old because we are in denial of the fact that we do not dwell in the fountain of youth.
So while you might take one look at us and find it obvious that we are using old photos, we think we haven’t changed a single bit. Of course, you’re probably too polite to tell us so, and after you gently reject us, we’ll go home and wonder why. And then we’ll do this very same thing with yet another couple and another and another. Then, we’ll determine that everyone we meet is “fake” or “flaky” as we continue to live in denial for the next ten years.
We are probably lying about our age on our profile. By A LOT.
But that shouldn’t bother you! We feel much younger! And we believe we look so much younger. And because we are in complete denial (see #2) we are confident you won’t notice that we are being dishonest. Even though you might have still been interested in us if we were honest about our real ages, we just can’t fathom this. It’s not completely our fault, however. Society has brainwashed us to believe that youth is highly desirable!
One of us is not as into this as the other.
Even though we won’t tell you this specifically, everything about our interaction with you will exude this fact. You’ll see it in our body language. And it will be obvious as one of us will be completely engaged and the other will be incredibly reserved. Even though this makes it awkward AF for you, we won’t notice or acknowledge the cringe-worthy fact that one of us would rather be scrubbing toilets while the other is eager to get naked.
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We have such specific ideas and “rules” that we’re probably never going to have sex with anyone.
Should we decide we aren’t interested in you, and it has nothing to do with a lack of connection or chemistry, it’s most likely because we realized that you don’t want to be our living, breathing sex toy. We want to make all the rules. We have a specific and precise fantasy in mind, and we have yet to realize that we need to consider your desires, fantasies, needs, and limits too. We can’t comprehend that you are an equal partner. In our minds, sex with you is all about us. You are just a prop that will help us fulfill our fantasy. If you have other ideas, you’re not right for us. We will continue to approach other couples and individuals with our detailed list of demands and wonder why no one wants to get naked with us.
What’s the solution? How did we get around this?
We meet people the old fashioned way: by going out and meeting them. The one useful thing that many of these online swinger/casual sex sites offer is a list of events, parties, and meetups. Meeting people in person without having a misleading profile in your face beforehand eliminates the chances of a bait-and-switch or a frustrating and awkward waste of an evening because what you see is what you get. Although you still might go home without making any magic happen, it’s better to roll the dice this way.