Original image by Markus Spiske, via Unsplash
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, the world is a disaster right now. Aleppo. Standing Rock. White supremacy. Racism. TRUMP. Trump's TWEETS.
EIGHT YEARS? No. Nope.
I cannot. I am like 50% I feel like I should pack my car and call Doctors Without Borders, 25% send money to everyone everywhere, 25% go back to bed. It seems like everything is awful. Even the South Pole is awful, and in 5 years there probably won’t be polar bears.
I’ve lost all hope.
IS THIS THE APOCALYPSE?
You can find me under my goose-down-alternative comforter.
The shitty world is robbing me of all joy. But I cannot live in my bed. Even if *I* could live in my bed, my kids can’t live in my bed (they’d like to, but no, no room in the inn for you bed-hogging terrorists). I have to get up. Everyday. I have to drag my sorry, privileged ass out of bed and try to be less of an asshole than the abundance of assholes of the world. I can’t make anything better from my goose-down-alternative panic room.
And it COULD be worse. I mean, well, I don’t want to think about how it could be worse, because it’s already pretty bad. But you get what I’m saying. If I said it couldn't get worse, worse things would most certainly happen anyway, probably because I said things wouldn't get worse.
In the meantime, here are 8 Simple Pleasures that make me feel slightly less like this is the beginning of the end of days:
I don’t have any and OH GOD I DO NOT WANT ANY EVER EVER AGAIN. But aren’t they cute? They smell so good. They make little squeaky noises. They do adorable shit like suck on your chin.
They haven’t yet learned that the world is full of awful people and awful things, so they don’t know to be terrified.
Man, I wish I was a baby.
Exhibit A: the best two minutes of your day.
(All the proof you really need is in Exhibit A. Go snuggle a baby. ASAP.)
If you have water, you probably have food. Food is a pleasure.
And maybe quinoa. I can’t even say kee-no-uh.
ALL ABOARD THE NOPETRAIN TO FUCKTHATVILLE.
Puppies are like babies in almost every way. They smell good. They are SO CUTE. They make little noises.
Except that NO, PUPPIES ARE NOT LIKE BABIES. Stop saying that. That is a damn lie. When was the last time you put your baby in a kennel so you could go down to the corner store to buy a bottle of Cab (which you need because of the incessant crying of said Kennel Baby)?
Still cute, though.
A bag of freshly roasted beans is so delightful. What’s that? You have a Keurig? Well, OKAY FANCY PANTS. The rest of us REAL coffee drinkers will just be over here with our 11 step pour-over process.
Place filter gently (AND EVENLY) in pour over cone.
Boil water to exactly 195 to 205 degrees Fahrenheit. DO NOT GO TO 212 or your coffee, and your life, will be ruined.
Pour over the grounds just to the point on moistening.
Do not use the word moistening ever again.
Do a second pour, but not too fast. This coffee will not be rushed.
Instagram the coffee.
Start scrolling your IG feed, forget you made coffee.
Reheat coffee in microwave.
6. A new jar of Nutella
If you live in a place where there is Nutella, you smear that hazelnut gift from the gods on some warm french bread and shut your whore mouth.
Their pecan pie is so fucking delicious. And when you buy a pie instead of making it, you have no idea how much butter is in it. Also no mess. You’re welcome.
I mean, not the ones who voted for Trump, but literally everyone else, even your creepy Uncle Keith with the lazy eye and a fondness for Civil War Reenactments (Confederate Side). There is likely to be at least ONE baby and/or puppy to shower with love and affection. Focus on that part. Amen.