Zulily, What Are You Thinking?

The Season For Plus-Size image: screenshot Zulily.com

1. Why does the woman in this picture look happy, is it because she just found out it is Her Season?

I don’t love the “plus-size” section of the store — the shoved-to-the-back-corner, existing but not really being seen, section. I have to shop there a lot. It’s not my favorite. Lucky for me though, I fall into a sizing sweet-spot; I’m just small enough to wear an XXL from Target’s “regular” — or whatever — department, and just big enough to shop in plus-size exile.

The options abound — for me anyway. The rest of you? I can’t say.

Do you loathe the plus-size outer reaches of space, find yourself frustrated with the picked-over measly, often floor-dwelling, offerings, and you just want to know when is it MY SEASON? It's your Season.

Everything old is new again, today. The sun shines a little brighter. Donald Trump wasn’t even mentioned in one headline. And behold, it is The Season For Plus-Size Style. I know this because Zulily told me so. And a site with such fierce savings opportunities would never lie.

The Season For Plus-Size comes in right on the heels of The Season For Eating Food, and just after The Season For Breathing Air. You have to look closely, but they are all there on the calendar. Also squeezed in there, The Season For Micturation/Defecation, which is just a fancy way of saying pee/poop, both things we don’t want to discuss. Moving on.

I’m not going to tarnish Zulily’s name (probably), but what actually is The Season For Plus-Size? And does this mean it is My Season? Furthermore does this mean it is not The Season For All The Other Sizes?

I saw this (thanks, Emily) and I thought, Hm. That’s… stupid. I wish I could say my thought process was more articulate, but coffee has been giving me heart palpitations, so I’m on herbal tea these days; my mind isn’t too sharp in the early morning hours.

I want to ask the important questions about size and sizeism and classism and why we feel like we need to pack people into a section of a store. I want to know why men get to be called Big and Tall because that makes being “plus-size” sound pretty badass. I want to know when my section of the store is going to get the tank top that says CLOTHES BEFORE BROS. I want to know why the cute things are never the things that fit me. I want to know who on earth would vote for Trump. Also, I want to know how the Internet actually works. Oh, and who killed Kennedy. Really. Who did it?

Basically, I have a lot of questions.

Here are some other things I want to know (in no particular order):

1. Why does the woman in this picture look happy? Is it because she just found out it is Her Season?

2. What am I supposed to wear when it is NOT The Season For Plus-Size?

3. Is The Season For Plus Size the equivalent of winter, and, therefore, The Season For Minus-Size is the equivalent of summer?

4. Why are clothes above a size 12 called “plus”?

5. What am I supposed to call all the sizes under that?

6. Why are we calling them anything other than just a size?

7. Did the person who was writing this ad recently hear “Time of The Season” by the Zombies?

8. Did they then watch this video and realize they never actually knew the lyrics to this bizarre song and were subsequently so distracted by the phrase “Who’s your daddy?”, that they forgot they were writing a tagline for an entire section of womenswear?

9. When that video led into the “She’s Not There” video, did they then realize that I am actually NOT there because I prefer to shop somewhere that I am categorized as human-size?