Molly Pennington

This teensy little Bachelor episode is only an hour long, but it's one enormous, platinum vagine tease from start to finish. 

The Bachelor seduces us because of its titillating alignment with larger American culture. We wouldn't have predicted we'd find anything meaningful in reality television and yet, now that a reality star is set to helm the country, we know we must've missed some bigger connection somewhere along the way.

I drank caffeine, ate candy, ignored What to Expect While You're Expecting — and nothing bad happened.