Carrie Saum

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I am not here for your betterment. I am not here to be your dumping ground for all of your thoughts and fears. You are not entitled to my emotional labor!

The first time I ate a mushroom at Gram's summertime table (with me sporting a full coverage one piece and neon shorts, and her in a ruffled pink bikini), it was raw. All I tasted was dirt. I swore off them forever. So, she made them for dinner.

Summer is officially upon us, and with it comes epic family vacation plans sure to generate tales of your family’s (mis)adventures for years to come.

Quiche. It's a bit of a unicorn, isn't it? You chase the perfect texture, combination, flavors, and rise in hopes that it equals perfection.

I know that our group of friends is special. But the specialness comes from some core values that I will share with you. I will give you fair warning: these are not for people who are interested in receiving. These eight guidelines are for people who are interested in building a community.

I grew up in West Texas. When I was a small child, we left the lush, rainy beauty of the Pacific Northwest it made her way down to the dust bowl and flatlands of West Texas. It was traumatic, to say the least.

In February, you gave me that soul-punching gaze again and told me it's okay to eat bread while we obtain Our Best Bodies. You lost 26(!) pounds and you eat bread every damn day! I feel how miraculous this is for you because you've probably made bread evil, along with All The Carbs and fat on your body.

By 13, I clearly understood: Thinness was next to Godliness, and I could never achieve either without extraordinary means. Jesus loves skinny people.

The Internet has told us that instead of selling our wild summer children to a band of traveling performers, we should go swimming with them instead. At a beach or at the pool, your choice. The Internet also told us that us moms should get over our silly body issues and just play! Have fun!