Jess Lahitou

It’s early 2008 in Iowa. Hillary Clinton had been leading in the early polls, but her numbers have been steadily dropping when she is suddenly – shockingly – bested by a young, almost unknown senator from Illinois.

All this means that, for the first time since 1992, a third-party candidate has a very strong chance of impacting election results. And if something truly wild were to happen (say, no candidate broke the 270-electoral vote mark needed to win the presidency), then there’s an outside chance that a third-party could actually win the White House.

If I’m just online screaming, what am I not doing in physical reality?

Most Likely To Succeed: Carly Fiorina. One word: Yowza! On top of being the only candidate to move up from Fox’s conciliation debate to CNN’s main stage, Carly Fiorina kicked absolute butt. She went after Donald Trump, Chris Christie, every prominent Democrat, not to mention political pandering to women. Pundits agree: Fiorina won it.

Wayne Tracker. When I first came across this made-up alias, it didn’t speak to me like someone’s first and last name.

That’s what Syria is — our morally bankrupt foreign policy, impossible to escape, impossible to fix.

Let’s break this down for Spicer.

While watching the third Republican debate last night on CNBC, I thought to myself: Self, you’re going to have to write a straight review of this thing. The candidates are too wonky tonight to be caricatured, and even Donald Trump has reigned himself in significantly. The debate was billed as “Your Money, Your Vote,” and the questions hewed pretty close to the economy. Read: not many social-issues gaffe bait.

Everyone but Michael Moore underestimated the level of economic angst and cultural upheaval occurring in the Rust Belt, that collection of states forming a sloped capital “E” along the Great Lakes: Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania.

Nothing about his sexism is complicated. Right? According to election results, wrong.