Kate Ryan

Fresh orange juice, milk, thick slices of ham, a block of cheese, a carton of eggs—her husband kept it this way should this moment arrive.

We’ve all been there. Your boyfriend has a raging boner, but you’re just not in the mood to do anything with it. But how do you tell him to tone that boner down and quick? No need to worry. Here are ten simple, foolproof ways to kill that boner in ten seconds—or less—while keeping your man’s ego rock-hard.

“Don’t you smash that cake in my face, or I’ll never forgive you,” she said, and she never did, not really.

The bread had to be store-bought and white, of course, so as not to raise a red flag among my classmates. I still see rebellion in a ham sandwich.

She got too high while watching The Bachelor and had a misanthropic breakdown.

Hollywood continues to flounder in a dick-sucking frenzy of self-congratulatory white male directors, writers, and producers.

At Monster High, Jimmy Werewolf gets another demerit for forgetting to shave again.

Someone would always cook in their tighty whities, his package at eye level for the person doing French homework at the kitchen table.

She closed in on the open pores enlarged ten times their normal size by a high magnification pocket mirror.

Alison learned from her grandmother how a plastic smile could take you places—especially in a place like Hollywood.