Kate Ryan

I saw my old babysitter at a women’s wrestling cage match.

He died a violent death. I saw him myself, flopping between wooden blades, his head bent back strangely.

Light some candles and use those bath salts you've been saving for a special occasion. Masturbate for 55 minutes.

She got too high while watching The Bachelor and had a misanthropic breakdown.

His mind rode the lines, circling on an endless loop to nowhere as he attempted to go about his activities.

12:48 AM. Why would someone schedule an exorcism for the middle of a weeknight?

She gropes for attention while he dies in the other room.

We all love our dogs. However, some of us take it a little too far, convincing ourselves that our dogs are actually our children. You call your dog your “baby” one day, and the next thing you know, you’re pushing him or her down the street in an expensive stroller. How did we get here? Trust me, it’s a slippery slope. Here are 12 signs you might have a dog-child.

The case of beer I brought, as my mother explained, is “pure poison” and so I must drink it all by myself.

Eva, having stayed up the whole night preoccupied with death and time, planned to call in sick.