Parents and sex should never have to be uttered in the same sentence . . . but with the pending holidays and (your likely) return to your childhood home, you might feel like it's 10th grade all over again.
Bringing your significant other home for the holidays presents an additional set of problems that may challenge even the veteran love-pilgrim. Said partner and parents may have already met, broken bread and get along like peas and carrots. But a long stretch at the homestead—two nights or more—will begin to wear on your able-to-touch time and, worse yet, your s-e-x time.
Here are a few things to think about when trying to get naked and bypass the familial chastity belt this Christmas, Chanukah or Kwanzaa.
First Of All—There Will Be No Time Or Space Even For Cuddling
Space limitations on sofas ensures that carving out cuddling time will be a challenge. Just accept the fact that you probably won’t be able to nuzzle and plan an extra-long, movie and blankets and popcorn smoochfest when you get home to make up for it.
Accept you will be miserably horny unless you follow this advice.
Timing Is Everything
The best time to get it on is obviously when no one else is there, but that’s not the most likely scenario. (What with the influx of cousins and Uncle Nick binge-watching True Detective in the study.) But, if you should get so lucky as to have a short window of alone time, wait three minutes after everyone leaves before you drop trou and get cracking. Just in case someone forgets a phone or needs to turn back for any reason. Enjoy the anticipation.
Another (and perhaps better) option is to do it when everyone else is busy doing their own thing. Sneak away mid-party for a quickie, while Grandma rolls out cookies or everybody is focused on watching the overrated Christmas Story marathon.
Lock the door. It might also be a good idea to turn on some not-so-loud music. Don’t use a subwoofer. There’s gonna be enough shakin’ goin’ on . . .
If the bed is against the wall, move it away, if you can. You’re going to have a little less room and you need all the room you can get. Also, if you can, take off the blankets and top sheet. One, they take up too much space. Two, stains are a dead giveaway.
Speaking of stains, if you were thinking about having sex on the couch, don’t. Putting yourself in the position of having to say “No Daddy, I don’t know where that stain came from. Maybe it was the cat” is not someplace you want to be.
Plans Of Action
If you can’t move the bed away from the wall, you’re probably going to have to do it doggy style. If this is your go-to position, you’re ahead of the game. If this isn’t—try to think about it as a fun way to mix it up. Bend over and assume the position.
If you aren’t going at it doggy style, accept the fact that someone’s going to have to straddle the bed. And whoever is more flexible will have that privilege.
Forget About Foreplay
Again, you’re cramped and time is of the essence. Wham bam it and say goodnight. And don’t forget—you can make your "O" face, but not your "O" sound.
Getting Clean While Getting Dirty
If you can, avoid the bedroom all together and head for the shower. Sex in the shower is probably the easiest place to get away with having sex in your parents’ house, but be wary. This method is easy only if A) couples are the same height or one of you is damn strong with frog-like grippy-feet and/or B) the shower isn't, like, down the hall where you have to walk by everyone in your towels. Soaking wet. And panting.
So good luck with that.
Also, now would not be the time to have sex in a bathtub. It’s way harder than it looks—I’ve tried. All it does is flood the floor with the splashing. Which is awkward when it starts leaking through the floor and into the kitchen. It's not a good idea for a quickie.
This Is The Most Important Piece Of Advice I Can Give You
You probably have a lot on your mind while packing . . . so don’t forget to bring condoms. But, more importantly, DO NOT FLUSH THE CONDOM. I repeat, DO NOT FLUSH THE CONDOM. It doesn’t matter how great the pipes are in your family’s brand new condo, a condom will clog the toilet and if said toilet has to be snaked, it’s gonna get awkward.
Wrap the condom in a ball of toilet paper and put it at the bottom of the garbage in the bathroom. Or better yet, take out the garbage—you will appear to be helpful while getting rid of the evidence. Also, take note of any pets that can’t resist a sex-smelling garbage can (like my dog).
Getting Off, Off The Property
If you can’t imagine doing it and getting caught in your childhood bed amongst your trophies, your stuffed animal collection, and framed pictures of you with braces and a bad haircut, just get outta there.
Do it in a car at night, a dressing room, or some sort of shed or outdoor shower where no one will look for you.
But really? the easiest way to get it on when you are visiting your parents, is not to stay with them at all. Get a hotel or an Airbnb, or sleep in a yurt in the woods. Because sometimes, the only way to get it on properly, is to get it on off property.
Godspeed. And good luck.