If, several years from now, we confront Kate Winslet's son in a dark alley, we're pretty sure we'll scream, then run. Why? Because the A-list actress has decided to name her newborn son "Bear Blaze," and we learned a long time ago that someone named "Bear Blaze" is never to be trusted (especially in a dark alley).
Of course, there are several infamously bonkers celeb baby names out there—from Nic Cage's "Kal-El" to Frank Zappa's "Moon Unit"—but what's impressive about "Bear Blaze" is this underbelly of grit and darkness. Which led to the question: what other weird but bad-ass celeb baby names exist in the world? Answer: at least two.
Herewith is our list of the three scariest celeb kid names known to man:
1. Bear Blaze (son of Kate Winslet)
Bad-ass etymology: "Bear" has been symbolic of Russia since 1794 and "used of uncouth persons" since the 1570s, while "blaze" has been utilized as a euphemism for Hell. So one reading for the full name is "uncouth Russian from Hell."
Alternate spellings: Bare, Baer, Blaise
Popularity: "Bear" didn't make the top 1,000 cut in the Social Security naming database for 2012 (the most recent year available), but "blaze" eked out a spot at number 752. Of every million babies born, 77 were given this name, which means there's at least a chance you'll someday be shaking hands with a bloke named "Blaze."
2. Sage Moonblood (son of Sylvester Stallone)
Bad-ass etymology: "Sage" is a rather tame English word that denotes a type of spice or a wise person, but "Moonblood" has ties to a German black metal band. So the best approximation for the full name is "spiced wise man who head-thrashes violently in dark metal group."
Alternate spellings: Saige, Sayge (Moonblood is pretty much locked in with that spelling)
Popularity: Sage was ranked 494 on the 2012 list of the most popular baby names (the alternate spelling "Saige" was No. 932); it was bestowed upon 81 out of every million babies, with more popular usage among girls. "Moonblood," however, didn't crack the top 1,000. What gives?!
3. Moxie Crimefighter (daughter of Penn Jillette)
Bad-ass etymology: Meaning "courage," "moxie" traces back to an 1876 patent medicine designed to "build up nerve." "Crimefighter" as one word does not exist in the dictionary, but famous "crime fighters" have included Superman, Batman, Wonder-Woman, James Bond and the local police.
Alternate spellings: N/A
Popularity: Neither name made the top 1,000. So this is a true original!
Please please please, can these three one day meet? Because Bear Blaze, Sage Moonblood and Moxie Crimefighter would make for one hell of an X-Men-esque superhero troupe or hardcore garage metal band. We just hope we never run into them in that dark alley.
Image: Joey Gannon/Flickr
