Missing 3-Year-Old Found Inside a Claw Machine
Remember how as a child (or, um, adult), you had pretty much the best time ever using those arcade claw machines to attempt the capture those ever-elusive stuffed animals? Well, a 3-year-old boy in Nebraska apparently agrees, taking his passion a little too far by escaping his home to crawl into a machine at the bowling alley across the street. Luckily, his parents were quickly alerted to his whereabouts and were able to rescue him from the machine, where he was found playing with the stuffed animals inside.
I guess he'd simply had enough of being thwarted by the loose grip of the cruel claw. We feel you buddy. We feel you.
Injustice Double Whammy: Overwrought Punishments for Squirt Gun, Drink Refill
The long arm hand of the law has grown a little heavy-handed in two recent instances of over-the-top punishment. In Maine, a 10th-grader has been suspended for 10 days for bringing a squirt gun to school, while a man in South Carolina has been fined $525 for helping himself to a drink refill at a veteran's hospital without paying.
Hey, no mercy! It's not as if we haven't long been taught the deep immorality of having squirt guns and drinking refills! We say send those dastardly criminals to jail—put our taxes to good use!
Man With Last Name Cocaine is Arrested on Drug Charges in Florida
Poor Edward Cocaine never really stood a chance, did he? I mean his last name is Cocaine and he lives his Florida. So basically, he was born under a bad sign and fate-bound to get busted for drugs. (Although yiou must admit it does make for weird-news-headline gold. Now, if only Mr. Cocaine could get with Ms. Crispi, the bacon arsonist, we'd be in weird-news bliss.
4-Year-Old Who Died of Cancer is Honored with Star Wars-Themed Funeral
In the mood for a good self-purging cry? Behold this tale of an adorable 4-year-old boy who passed away from cancer, but before his death was able to have several dreams—including meeting his heroes of television, riding in a fire engine and seeing a meerkat—fulfilled. Once he passed, his parents honored his wishes in one final way by holding a funeral ceremony based on his beloved Star Wars, complete with an R2-D2 in attendance, Luke Skywalker's theme song played as he was laid to rest, and a wreath reading "Jedi" on his coffin.
What, no, we're not sobbing...there must be some, sniff, onions being cut nearby...
Image of a whole bunch of stuffed animals we desperately want but can never seem to grab hold of, thanks for nothing you evil claw: Wikimedia Commons
