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When you see a magazine cover with headlines like "News: Why Wet Kisses Make Men Horny" or "His Secret Sex Spots: You Know About his G-Spot, Now Be the First To Find Out About His C-Spot and V-Spot—Touch Both Tonight and You’ll Peel Him Off the Ceiling," you know that Cosmo is the go-to place for sex tips . . . if you never want to see your lover again.
Cosmo, we know you mean well and you want us to have hot sex, but most of these tips guarantee the night will end with you sleeping in one of two beds—an empty one or one at the hospital. I don’t know where Cosmo is getting these crazy ideas from, but let me make one suggestion to you—when thinking of the strangest ways to turn your partner on, you might want to consult real people and not "Mad Libs."
Let’s take a look at some of Cosmo's most ridiculous sex tips ever, shall we?
"Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter . . . Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples."
I’m not sure this would turn a man on, but I know this is a great solution for keeping the cat off the furniture.
"Wear a cinnamony lotion or perfume. The smell of cinnamon buns increases men's blood flow down there."
Not to be the grammar police, but “cinnamony” is not a word. Also, there are other ways to increase blood flow to the penis, like being naked, kissing him or the tried-and-true—just touch the thing. But if you insist on something “cinnamony,” get some cinnamon buns and throw them in the oven or microwave a few minutes before he comes home. Better yet, try oysters for dinner, cinnamon buns for dessert and your buns as a nightcap.
"[When your vibrator is out of batteries], use your electric toothbrush or iPhone."
They forgot to add the Mach-3 Power razor to the list; just don’t forget to take the blade cartridge off first. Or here's an idea: Get fresh batteries. Worse-case scenario, get them from your television remote. Because changing your channel (if you catch our drift) is sometimes more important.
"Give him a beer facial—the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity . . . but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face."
Nix the entire idea except for the “give him a beer” part. The only facials most men will agree to, are the kind you see in porno flicks.
"Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects."
This idea will definably make him blow a load, but not the kind of load he was hoping for—and that’s only if he doesn’t run when you bring a pepper shaker to bed. Hint: If you’re dumb enough to try this tip, remember a pepper shaker and pepper spray are not the same thing. If you must get a sex toy from the kitchen, use an ice cube instead.
"Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum."
If you do this, he will definitely stay overnight . . . in the hospital. Repeat after me, class: "Teeth and penises are never a good combination."
"Slip a donut around his penis, and slowly eat it off."
If you can do this without biting his penis, you win a prize! The prize is a yeast infection from the leftover sugar on his penis from when he penetrates you later.
“Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body—his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”
Where would you like your date to end? Your place? His? The bar? Or maybe the emergency room. If you dare try this, please don’t press it into his penis—you don’t want him to file assault charges against you.
"Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body."
When you are done, you can wash the sheets together. What could be sexier? Also, take extra precaution when doing this if you have a dog in the house—you don’t want to have a threesome.
So where can you actually get, you know, good sex tips? Sex With Emily is a website and podcast chock-full of legitimately useful advice from Dr. Emily Morse. And/or check out Tristan Taormino, a sex educator with a handy DVD series.
But here's the best-kept secret for the hottest sex tips: your partner. Just ask what turns them on. That trick is guaranteed to work every time.