*Hi. Have you ever watched porn? Of course you have.
Perks of being editor-in-chief of a feminist website, include but are limited to: early release books!
Exhibit A: The Sex Myth by Rachel Hills.
(As if I’d say no to that.)
So I blew through this book, which highlights all variety of things we thought were true, but are actually NOT, about sex. And now we are left holding the bag over here — wait, I’m NOT supposed to be having like 75 partners before I’m 25? (More like two).
"Pretty much everything you think you know about sex — from magazines extolling mind-blowing orgasms in positions only Cirque de Soleil cast members could accomplish, to sitcoms' nudge-nudge allusions, or fifty shades of any color — is wrong,” says Rachel Hills.
Oh, thank you, whatever deity you choose.
But this conversation around sex and the shit we thought was the real shit, which it turns out is actually an inflated version of the real truth, got me to doing that thing I do sometimes with my brain.
I present...Sex Myths: A Primer.
*Please note: Some of what you read here will apply mostly to heterosexual sex. This is not intended to slight any other combination of sexes, but is merely a reflection of the type of sex that I typically engage in.
Shoe Size And Penis Size: Not Correlated At All.
Do not tell my husband, who wears a size 13 shoe, this, lest he be compelled to prove you wrong. Also, P.S.: the average flaccid penis is 3.61 inches (9.16 cm for those of you literally everywhere but America). The average erect penis is 13.12 cm (5.16 inches) long. Do not believe the pornos, folks. They lie.
Also, dudes: The size of your dick is almost completely irrelevant. Unless it’s really teeny or really huge, most ladies are going to be just fine with whatever size it is. And if it IS really teeny, just beef up your lingual skills. A lot of men can’t even locate a clitoris (GO UP, GUYS), so if you do and you do it with your mouth, you’re already surpassing expectations.
Yes, every woman has one. No, not every woman’s G-spot is erogenous. So if your partner is spelunking in your vag looking for the illustrious G-Spot Orgasm and it’s not happening, that’s totally fine. Don’t trip, potato chip. Your clitoris is most likely fully functioning.
How Long Should Sex Last?
Hi. Have you ever watched porn? Of course you have. Hi. Have you ever watched porn and thought, Wow, I am obviously inept because I can NOT have sex for 45 minutes straight in 17 positions? It’s a lie. The average time from inception to climax is three to seven minutes for a dude. For women, it’s more like 20, if at all. BUMMER. Guys, if you finish off before you even start, don’t freak out. There are lots of ways to give your partner an O. Get busy.
This discouraging fact means that most hetero folks won’t climax at the same time. DAMNIT. The rom-coms have been lying to us forever.
Men Need Frequent Sex Or They Get Backed Up.
Nope. That's not a thing. Stop using it.
Tantric Sex = Hours Of Pleasure.
Sorry, Sting. Nope. The enjoyable sensations of intercourse can last a long time, but the physiological orgasm, no. Not happening. There is no amount of meditation that is going to help you here.
Get the Kama Sutra anyway. There is some crazy shit in there. Probably want to stretch out first. You know, so you don’t pull a muscle.
Happy Couples Should Be Having Sex Twice A Week.
Happy couples should be having sex how ever often they feel like having sex.
Okay, lucky for us all, most STIs can be treated with some pretty simple antibiotics. BUT they can come back. One dose of penicillin does not immunity make. So condoms. Always with the condoms. And P.S.: oral and anal sex are not non-STI substitutes for vaginal sex. Nope.
I hope you know that this is a flagrant lie. But just in case you don’t, it is. A. Lie. There is literally nothing you can put into a vagina that will prevent a baby from growing in your uterus. Even if you put battery acid in there (DO NOT DO THAT) it’s not going to work. If you have a uterus and ovaries and you have sex, you can have a baby.
Women Don’t Watch Porn.