"This is a blowjob Pokemon, right?" Image: author
It’s getting pretty serious between me and Pokémon GO.
In the little less than a month since the app dropped, my usage style has gone from “trying out a fun novelty thing that everyone else is doing” to “serious gameplay.”
Seeing as I’m a 33-year-old woman who hasn’t played a video game since Super Nintendo, I’m surprised to find myself enjoying figuring out how to evolve my Pokémon, power up, and take over gyms. Even my nerd fiancé is a little thrown off and has started talking strategy with me and teaching me gaming terms like “XP-farming” which I guess would be “candy-farming” or “stardust-farming” in Pokémon GO.
However, the deeper into the game I get, the more I notice that things are getting a little weird.
Like, sex weird.
Caption: "This is a blowjob Pokémon, right?" Image: author
Take for instance, this creepy, undulating MOUTH Pokémon I hatched last week. I mean, look at this guy. His name is Weepinbell and he is the animated representation of the desire to give a deep BBBJ. (If you don’t know what that means, don’t Google it... I’m sorry.)
But it's not just ol' Blowjob Mouth there.
Here are 6 more Pokémon who make me feel funny like the jets at the public pool.
(Warning: I am absurd. This entire article is absurdity.)
Lickitung. Image: author
Um, this is a Pokémon whose primary defining characteristic is its long, erotic tongue. Not just that, but when you open him in the game, he waggles it at you. Lickitung is like the Gene Simmons of Pokémon.
Actual quote from Penthouse Forum — sorry, the encyclopedia of Pokémon: "At over 6'6" (2 m), Lickitung's tongue is twice as long as its body. Sticky saliva coats its tongue, which causes a tingling sensation when touched."
I don't even know if obscenity laws allow me to show you his evolved version, Lickilicky. (Not making these names up.)
Diglett. Image: author
This is a Pokémon who only exists so dudes can take dick pics with him. Which serves as evidence for Weiner's Law, the theorem that when a new technology is introduced, It will take less than a week for dudes to find a way to involve their dicks in it.
For some reason, I don’t really mind that the dick has eyes, but I am deeply disturbed that it has a nose.
Tangela. Image: author
This grass-type Pokémon looks like a literal pile of pubic hair. Its "vines" can regenerate if removed or damaged, making it the 70s bush that no bikini wax can tame. Tangela don’t give a fuck about your beauty standards.
Did I mention that Tangela is largely featured in an episode of the Advanced Generation series entitled "Gulpin' It Down"?
This is a kid's show, people.
Shellder. Image: author
A common beach-type Pokémon, this monster is literally a clam with a tongue sticking out. According to Bulbapedia, "At night, this Pokémon uses its broad tongue to burrow a hole in the seafloor sand and then sleep in it. While it is sleeping, Shellder closes its shell, but leaves its tongue hanging out."
Seriously, the people who write these know what they're doing, right? I've read less erotic fanfic.
Gloom. Image: author
Gloom is the evolved form of Oddish, and while he isn’t exactly sexual in the same way as a dick-shaped Pokémon, something about him evokes the morning after a bad one-night stand for me. Look at him, balls hanging out, what is apparently “nectar” dribbling down his mouth, eyes squeezed closed in hungover shame. I have been Gloom.
Even worse, the Pokémon encyclopedia says both the “nectar” and the “flower” on Gloom’s head “release a foul odor strong enough to induce fainting in humans over a mile away.”
Don’t feel too bad for Gloom, though — “a very small number of humans find it pleasing.”
OK, I’m starting to feel awkward about how much I relate to Gloom.
éJigglypuff. Image: author
Jigglypuff is a boob. We all know it. I'm not afraid to admit it.
It’s not all in my sick head either. As always, Craigslist Casual Encounters is the truest reflection of the human spirit, and people have been mingling Pokémon GO and sex there since the game came out.
(Incidentally, one of my favorite things to do on a major holiday is read the event-themed ads on Craigslist Casual Encounters. Think “Let’s bang for the 4th of July” or “Come be my ho ho ho” around Christmas.)
Also, I just did a cursory search and confirmed the existence of Pokémon porn.é
And this concludes this important work of journalism. I’m sorry for everything, and happy training.