Russia Bans Lace Panties, Ruins Everything Yet Again

Is it just us, or has Russia been, well, an extra d*ck lately? First came the beyond-shady treatment of political prisoners Pussy Riot, then with the way-obnoxious anti-gay bullsh*t in tandem with the Olympics, and now — a ban on lace lingerie?! Do you know what types of lingerie are lace? The best kind.

The Customs Union introduced a new ban that would axe lace underwear in Russia, Kazakhstan and Belarus, effective July 1st of this year. Why? Just, why?

Well… prepare yourself.

Apparently the Customs Union is now concerned with our underwear’s “absorption threshold.” Yeah, we just threw up in our mouths too. Lace runs around 3-4% (we don't want to know how they ran these tests), whereas the new minimum is to be set at 6%. Can we just not even address this further? Thanks.

We’re finding it a little hard to believe that the biggest problem in the region is wet panties (SORRY) — and many citizens of the three countries agree, with angry protests sparked in several areas. In Kazakhstan, thirty women were arrested on Sunday for sporting the lace skivvies on their heads and yelling, “Freedom to Panties.” Hell yes, ladies.

Why on Earth would Russia want to restrict the freedom of its citizens in such a trivial way? It seems to be an all-out f*cking trend over there. Don’t drive a dirty car in Moscow, that could get you fined (even though the word “dirty” isn’t actually defined in the law); the boogeyman-like fear of “gay propaganda” is laughable; oh, and that minor detail about still celebrating Stalin doesn’t help either.

So here’s the deal Russia. We've got some foregin policy recommendations of our own: get on board with the sexy panty, rainbow bedazzled, non-genocidal maniac outlook on life — really, pull yourselves together. You’re worried about panty moisture… and the slap of the collective facepalm is still reverberating worldwide.

Image: Wikimedia  


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