Americans Spent $60 Billion On Their Pets In 2015. (Worth It.)

I got a puppy last fall, and I’ve spent about a zillion dollars on different things for her to chew. She really likes bully sticks, which are dehydrated bull penises. It cracks me up every time I give one to her and say, “Here. Go eat a dick.”

The easiest pets of all.

How To Choose The Right Pet For Your Particular Level Of Laziness

If you kill a tortoise, even on accident, you probably shouldn’t have children.