Eliana Osborn

They were horrible.

"Sharknado 3" has an especially unique moment when a human baby is born by being cut out of the side of a shark. Don’t ask questions, there’s nothing to explain.

After years in apartments that should have been condemned, even these sad restroom facilities were vast improvements. And so we stayed, the husband and I, vaguely embarrassed when guests stayed over and commented on the bordello vibe of the bathroom.

Then we had a kid. No working bathtub suddenly seemed like a big deal. And the functional bathroom spaces weren’t places you’d want to hang out. There’s a lot of bathroom time once you’ve got tiny humans. (You’ve been warned.)

...But not in the way you'd think.

I look tired when I stay up too late. I also look tired if I get eight hours of sleep.

Look, Connect Four is not a good game. But it can be over quickly, which is pretty great.

My Life on the Road (or MLR) is not what I expected...the idea of not waiting for experience to come to you permeates the book.

The most important things my mother taught me included work from Neil Diamond, Billy Joel, Wham! and Whitney Houston.

How do you love someone who continually does things to hurt himself? I’ve been holding a phone with my stoned, sobbing brother on the other end for nearly 20 years. I keep picking up the pieces, keep having my heart break, because he’s my brother.

Your partner will make you want to throw up at some point. Pure, unadulterated disgust.