Eliana Osborn

Your partner will make you want to throw up at some point. Pure, unadulterated disgust.

I’m not there yet. But I need to be honest—I’m closer to 40 than any other multiple of five.

Standardized tests are taking over the world. I can say this because it is true. Like a creeping vine that seems attractive and charming at first, tests appear to be reasonable for the data and direction they can provide.

I’m not broken by this therapy failure. Jane wasn't the person to help me at this point of my life. Someone else WILL be.

A haircut is a whole lot cheaper than therapy or tattoos or a round-the-world plane ticket.

My sister Liz is full of wisdom, like my favorite quote I’ve shared with practically everyone I know: “Every pair of underwear has two good sides.”

Is anyone else with me on this? White foods are NASTY.

"Sharknado 3" has an especially unique moment when a human baby is born by being cut out of the side of a shark. Don’t ask questions, there’s nothing to explain.

How do you love someone who continually does things to hurt himself? I’ve been holding a phone with my stoned, sobbing brother on the other end for nearly 20 years. I keep picking up the pieces, keep having my heart break, because he’s my brother.

Really, you should thank me. I’m just protecting your future self.