How To Choose The Right Pet For Your Particular Level Of Laziness

The easiest pets of all.

The easiest pets of all.

When people say you’re “quirky,” what they mean is that you are nice but seriously weird. Embrace it by getting an equally unusual creature...

In my teen years, my family had two pets that shared living quarters — a gerbil and a pygmy hedgehog. One nocturnal, one a day tripper.

It should have been perfect. Except that, every night, Mr. Gerbil would run around and gnaw on Hedgie’s quills. No one noticed until the bald spot was at least quarter-sized. Guess he never heard of a comb over.

I’m not into animals. Movie with an animal? Blech. Adding another living being that needs to be fed and cleaned and who can't use the toilet to my family? Thanks,  no  I've got two kids; I've been through enough of that in my life. But I realize pets are a part of growing up, and that other people may feel differently than I do. So I’m softening my stance on creatures.

If you are considering adding a new responsibility into your life, I’m here with pet selection help. Take my handy quiz to find out!

Friends Describe You As:

a. Wild

b. Smart

c. Lazy

d. Quirky

e. Sexy

f. Cheap

g. Fun

h. Messy

Your Activity Level Is:

a. I like to move it, move it, whenever possible.

b. What do you call it if you stay in bed all day? You work from bed, dash to the bathroom, grab some food, and eat in bed. Multitasking is your specialty.

c. Slow and steady. You love to hike, but never worry about your time — scenery is what matters.

d. You love to dance...badly and wildly. A friend need a willing partner for a square dance or salsa event? You're there.

e. Crossfit all the way. Watch, jump, and heft and kick some ass.

f. Sometimes you walk to work or the store to save a buck. You’d never try to break a sweat, but a nice little wander? Sure.

g. Swimming is your cup of tea. You like to see cool stuff, move your body in new ways. Wherever you go, you find some water and make a splash.

h. One week you hit the gym every day. Next week, nothing. Runner in the spring, napper in the summer.  

Your favorite movie is:

a. All Dogs Go to Heaven

b. Splash!

c. Raising Arizona

d. The Fifth Element

e. Anaconda

f. Pride and Prejudice (any version)

g. Stuart Little

h. Rio

If You Answered Mostly:

a: Get a dog. Wrestle with it, let it lick your face, whatever. Just go for it. Harness your animal side and mimic your canine’s behavior. You’ll be a perfect team.

b: Jellyfish. You like to stare for hours and think about Big Ideas. You have to be, like, actually smart, though. The need for an aquarium and all that makes this not a good option for those just faking it.

c: Desert tortoise. Mine hibernates for half the year. Sometimes more. If you forget to feed it for a while, no biggie. Needs water once a year. Seriously perfect. Caveat: If you kill a tortoise, even on accident, you probably shouldn’t have children.

d: Wild card! When people say you’re “quirky,” what they mean is that you are nice but seriously weird. Embrace it by getting an equally unusual creature: sugar glider, pygmy hedgehog, chameleon.

e: Get a snake. Snakes seem to be mostly a guy thing...phallic somehow, I guess. Bu think about Wayne’s World or a bad music video with a giant snake. Nothing makes you seem hotter than being close to a slimy, serpent-y thing.

f: Get a cat. You won’t have to pay for it or groom it or do anything. Both of you can share cans of food if you really want to save some bucks.

g: Mouse. Not one of those creepy white ones with red eyes that seems to be plotting your murder, but a tiny brown mouse who spends all day moving bedding around for no other reason than that it’s so cute. Everything it does is cute. People will come over and coo at your mouse and think you are delightful.

h: Parakeet. Or finches if you want to be a little fancy. Birds are filthy. They also smell, even if you stop noticing. If your place is already cluttered and vaguely ammonia-scented, a winged friend is just up your alley.

But I want an iguana, you may be saying. I’ve always loved ferrets. I can’t stop you from choosing a non-approved pet. You’ll live to regret it, though. This quiz is based on some very serious science. Trust me.  

If you like this article, please share it! Your clicks keep us alive!