Bummed about being a singleton on the day of chocolates and flowers and I-Will-Always-Love-You ballads (you know Dolly wrote that epic sh*t right?!)
Never fear! There’s absolutely no shame in having a vibrating date to keep your company at night – and history agrees!
The first use of the word “dildo” is found in a poem from 1593 (or so – b*tches be bad at telling time back then) titled “The Choosing of Valentines.” Now this was about 200 years after Chaucer decided that Valentine’s Day would be romantic (thanks “Parliament of Fowls”), and author Thomas Nash was not going to be left out of the fun.
That was until the narrator met up with his friend E.D. and couldn’t stay hard to save his life. Damn, that’s awkward. He couldn’t get to 12 o’clock and 7:30-ing wasn’t going to cut – so he slipped his girlfriend a dildo. The line reads:
My little dilldo shall suply their kinde:
A knaue, that moues as light as leaues by winde;
That bendeth not, nor fouldeth anie deale,
But stands as stiff as he were made of steele
Basically, what he’s saying is: “my dildo will not go soft for you, unlike my disappointing penis.” Cheers to a man who isn’t afraid to say that!
So, get on it. Masturbate away to that ex that went down on you for two hours once. Or the one you hate. We don’t care. Just do it with no shame, because apparently it hasn't been a big deal since the 16th century.