How Long Does it Take for You to C*m? This New App will Tell You

Aren’t coaches great? It’s nice to have someone watch your performance and give you feedback just to help you improve your game. Well, it’s a lucky day for us all. Now, you can have a robot sex coach from the privacy of your own phone – thanks Spreadsheets!

 Just when you think you’ve seen every app possible (KimYe, anyone?), here comes yet another stunner. The new app, Spreadsheets, is designed to help you keep track of your sex life by essentially reducing all of your sweet moves into baseball stats. Like, really. It will count “thrusts per minute” and your duration. Because that isn’t personal enough, Spreadsheets also stores the date and time of these risqué romps so that you may see how your sex stats change (or their average) over time. Oh, and you can share your data with other people if you want. I mean, let’s face it – sharing puppy pics on Instagram is overrated these day anyways.

There’s a difference between f*cking and making love, but this app won’t help with that. Rough sex is a blast, but sometimes you crave the intimate caresses and deep kisses with someone you truly love. As psychologist Elliot D. Cohen said in aptly named article "Are You Making Love or Just Having Sex?":

As distinct from mere sex, love-making dissolves the chasm between ‘you’ and ‘me.’  The resolution, however, is not ‘us’ because ‘we’ can still be divided.  Instead, in love-making there is the mutual consciousness of unbounded unity without partition.

We feel the need to mention this because Spreadsheets was created for couples – not sexy singletons that flock to sleazy bars. Everyone is different, but if you’re both enjoying sex why record your stats? People may use this if they’re experiencing sexual dysfunction of some sort, but we’re guessing more people will use it as a bragging tool.

Speaking of brags, don’t even try to lie to make it seem like your noise level is higher. Spreadsheets records all that sh*t. Yes. From the moans to the vibrations, you can think of Spreadsheets as your own creepy coach catching your every move and reporting back. At the moment, it still can’t give you a nice pat on the back after destroying a personal record – but hey, be patient.

Image: got to love coaches

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