OMG, you guys, I just played Kim Kardashian’s new app, “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood,” for 20 minutes, and I will never get those 20 minutes back ever again. I can’t decide if I loved it or hated it, but if the object of the game is to waste time, then it totally fulfills its promise.
News broke of the app via Kim K’s Instragram last week, and I’ve been speculating ever since. Now that I've dived in, I can report that—as expected—it is ridiculous, sad, entertaining and did I mention sad? Let me take you through it.
The app opens with a black screen and one sentence: “Before you were famous, you were new to Hollywood.” And then it begins.
I’m working in a retail store (if it’s DASH, the Kardashinans' real-life store, I can’t tell) and Luther Alexander, a sassy black man, is my manager. He says that I need to fold clothes, adjust dresses on mannequins, lock the register and close the shop. He has places to go, people to see, and he can’t waste time with me all day. He leaves and I do all my tasks. Instantly I receive cash in my bank account. Sweet!
I walk outside and Kim Kardashian appears out of nowhere. She tells me she ripped her dress (probably because of her huge tits) and it’s a fashion emergency! She loves, loves, LOVES my style and wants me to pick her out a new dress. I do and then I get even more money in my bank account. I’m into this game!
Kim tells me that she is going to a photo shoot in Beverly Hills and that she loves my style so much that she thinks I should come. But I better dress up, because the photographer, St. Clair, is “weird like that.”
I go back to my apartment (which is conveniently located next to the store) and I get money again. I get money for going home!
I’m figuring out what to wear when Kim calls. She says she has an extra-special surprise for me at the photo shoot. I’m excited! But I have to ride the bus to Beverly Hills (which I can honestly say I have never done in my own life), but I get paid again for showing up at the photo shoot! Ka-ching!
And surprise! I’m the star of the photo shoot! I have two minutes to do as many things as possible to earn cash—these include posing, wardrobe changes and fixing my make-up (I wish I was kidding.)
I’m starting to realize that the more I suck up to people, the more famous I get and the more money I make. It makes my kustomized avatar feel dirty inside. But Kim says she is throwing a party tonight and I HAVE to go!
So I do, and this is where it gets weird. The game tells me I can “Flirt with people to add them as contacts.” Um, what? But I do it anyway, and I get more money! I feel more dirty, but rich.
Kim tells me that she has recommended me to her manager Simon Orsik and he really wants to meet me. So I go to his office, conveniently located next to the party (I feel the need to say this is not at all how LA is in real life). When I do, Simon says that he has a good feeling about me, but I need headshots, so I must go to another photo shoot, change into another dress and get my photo taken again. I’m noticing a trend here.
Then the most disturbing thing happens! A little purple box pops up and says “Getting new clothing, cars and homes can increase your star power for love and work.” I gasp and shut the game off. It’s all become way too real. Was I having fun playing dress up and fake photo shooting with St. Clair? Sure, but at least that was nuanced narcissism. This was just too blatant. I imagine all the 13-year-old girls will read this and be too stupid to know it's untrue. Then I get lost in a K-hole of fear for the next generation.
So in conclusion, this game is bad, but perfect if you are not an impressionable 13-year-old girl and all you want to do is waste time. So if you are on an airplane, and you don’t have a book, a movie, a magazine, Sudoku, Breaking Bad, Sky Mall or Candy Crush to entertain you, by all means, play this game. But it should be treated as the supreme last resort. Like cannibalism.