I find myself amidst a deluge of dismay. I understand—I've been writing professionally long enough to know—that weekends are typically reserved for lighter pieces, that the permutations of societal circumstances that change the way people share content through social media when not at work or school make undesirable conditions for my 3,000 word thinkpiece on how I intend to make Chuck C. Johnson eat a live hedgehog. Is there room for anything other than Facebook shares in the callous and cavernous caves that were once your hearts, teeming with the tumult of hope for making waves with journalism? Hedgehogs are cute and he is a total fucking asshole. We could have made this work. For America.
Alas you refuse to allay me. You are counting on my ego and thirst for pageviews to betray me. The fault is my own—I should have seen the "what are your greatest weaknessnes" interview question for the entrapment it was. I am tamed in your gaslit embrace.
If I am to be splayed across a Monday morning like some Buzzfeed sideshow barker, I will do it on my own terms—or on as many of my terms as I can and still draw a paycheck.
Thus: you paid me to look at pictures of wrestling.
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BROTHER—
with the WWE's Royal Rumble 2015 coming up this weekend, these Pro Wrestling Reaction Faces For Every Occasion could go viral. Brother, they could run wild on you! And whatcha gonna do?
No, seriously. What are you going to do? Are you gonna help me make Chuck C. "Offers Cash Rewards For People Who Name Rape Victims" Johnson eat a hedghog or what?
1. This party is just a little kinkier than you'd thought it'd be.
2. "I'm just saying—animal rights are the new civil rights movement!"
3. "Just because I'm white doesn't mean I have white privilege. I grew up in a black neighborhood."
4. When you finish a scene and your Dom/me wants to answer emails or whatever the fuck before giving you aftercare.
5. "Wow, that was a really fun Tough Mudder! But why did there need to be an 'LGBT' team? Labels are for soup cans!"
6. "OMG WE JUST MET LAVERNE COX!"
7. Turning off comments on a blog post.
8. "Okay, man, so I know you said the flax butter was in Aisle 8, but I just don't see it."
9. When you're out with your friend who doesn't know yet that masculinity in queer women's spaces lionizes a very toxic misogyny turned inward.
10. Their favorite band is Sublime. You've already had sex.