Hipster is the new yuppie*. Only more beards. And less suits. Also no spray starch. Or hairspray — which is basically spray starch for your head.
*If you don’t know what a yuppie is, let’s just say it’s the hipster equivalent of the '80s.
If you strive for full hipster assimilation, here is sound advice to get you well on your way to a VW bus and an artfully designed blog named after a woodland creature or songbird.
5 Things Friday: Professional Hipster Edition
Ladies: Pay $275 for cut/color/style. Throw hair into messy bun — you don’t want to look like you tried too hard. When people say your hair is gorgeous, say, “It’s just hair.” Mask with coconut oil bi-monthly to maintain intentional unintentional sheen.
For the men: Grow beard. Disinfect beard (because poop [edited to add: this has apparently been disproven, but disinfect, just in case]). Added points for handlebar mustache. Double points for man bun. Triple points for man bun messier than your wife’s.
Bonus for visible tats. Quadruple bonus for full sleeve. Because that's commitment.
Have some — but not too many. One says, "I'm selfish and I don't like to share." Two says, "I only had a second one so the first one wouldn't be an only child." More than four says, “I obviously have no regard for the planet.” Three is ideal. And especially if you can manage to conceive two boys and a girl. This way the girl can be the only one with a full Land of Nod bedroom set. It's not thrifted, but we can make an exception, because Land of Nod. Obviously.
In regards to hair: Boys, long. Girls, short. This says, “We don’t conform to gender norms, and encourage our children to engage in healthy self-expression."
Self-expression, however, is limited to hair. As such, clothing should be free of characters/insignia/identifying characteristics and should be neutral in color. Ideally it should be thrifted, and you should definitely tell everyone it's thrifted. In absence of neutral offerings, let them be naked. Naked says, “We don't body shame. Just watch, we'll prove it.”
Cloth diapers required. Bonus points for elimination communication.
3. Home Furnishings/Accommodations/Location
Everything old is new: Pull out those macrame planters, the was-hideous/is-now-gorgeous green floral sofa, and don’t forget your mid-century modern anything. Pay $1,400 on Craigslist for a table. Say you thrifted it. Because consumerism. Craigslist is basically thrifting anyway.
Your house should be old, but not too old. Too old says stodgy, too new screams, “I LACK CREATIVITY.” 1950s through '70s will do. Remodel something — usually bathroom; kitchen if you’re ambitious. Look at your DIY.
Live in a red state (i.e. Texas/Tennessee), but in the blue part (i.e. Austin/Nashville). This says, "I'm edgy and socially aware, but not unapproachable."
Vegan is passé. Vegetarian is only slightly better. Paleo is ideal. All foods should be non-GMO, organic, free-range, grass-fed, antibiotic-free. If an appropriate grocery is not conveniently located, drive an hour to Whole Foods. Spend your Whole Paycheck. Tell your 13K Instagram followers.
Bonus points for garden. “Grow food not lawns!” Double bonus for backyard chickens.
Coffee (subset of food): Pour-over is ideal. French press is acceptable. Keurig...just no. If you have a Keurig, shave your beard, buzz your man bun, go back to shopping at Walmart — you’re out.*
Bonus points for hand-thrown vintage pottery mug.
*We might be able to salvage this. Throw away your Keurig (but in your neighbor’s trashcan) and get a teapot. Drink whole-leaf, responsibly-sourced tea, only. Say you gave up coffee because you morally object to anything not 100% verifiable fair-trade.
You may have one dog. It should be a recognizable breed, but not too recognizable. Golden Retriever says, “I can’t think outside the box,” while a French Bulldog says “I’m willing to spend upwards of $475* on a dog” but also says “I won’t be boxed in.” (*edited to add: Apparently French Bulldogs are more like $2500-3000. Thanks Kaitlyn. Also, HURL)
Bonus points for rescue dog. Triple bonus points if the rescue dog has an obvious disability, i.e. a missing leg or eye patch.
Good luck. God/Buddha/Ganesh/Vishnu-speed. May the force of essential oils and vintage vinyl be with you.