Dear Momma Bare,
Can we talk about sex? I want it. My husband doesn’t. I’m sort of desperate. He just seems… not interested. Is it me? He says it’s not, but I don’t believe him. I feel really rejected when he says no (I'm 37).
Lonely and horny,
*Disclaimer: This is about The Sex. I will be discussing vaginas, penises, vibrators, other adult-y things. You have been warned. If you email me to tell me this is inappropriate, I'm going to say cuss words at you. They are going to start with F. KTHANKS
Hey! Me too! My Prime called, it said, "I'M NEVER LEAVING." Seriously. I'm on year six of The Horndog. Welcome to the club, it's not exclusive.
Ok. Practical advice:
If you ask him if it's an attraction issue, and he says no, then you've done your part. Assume he's telling the truth and move on. It's hard, but try not to layer your own emotions on top of this. Here's the reality, if he's lying, and not into your body, then you really can't do anything. You can only control you. Onward.
You don't have to plead with him for sex (and shouldn't), but you can certainly try some new moves. If things feel stale, spice it up. Sometimes a surprise blow job is enough to get things rolling. If he has no drive at all, send him to a lab and get that testosterone checked.
That said, I don't know how old your husband is (presumably older than 20, younger than 60), but there is a real live possibility that you are outdriving him, especially if he too is around 37. Dude Peak is a lot earlier than Lady Peak — thanks a LOT, Nature. If that is the case, stop beating yourself up and get thee to Amazon. Stat. (Prude readers: That is a link to sex toys. Do NOT email me about it). You should really have at least three varying dildos and/or vibrators (adjustable speed, pocket size, waterproof, that last one is REALLY good). The good news is, you are so totally in charge of your orgasms. You don't even have to ask anyone if you can have one! Or five! Yay adulting! Yay Amazon Prime! (Helping women in their prime since 2005. Bam.)
If you're craving intimacy (that's a different post) then tell him that, and find alternatives to sex. Sex is important (duh) but it's not the whole relationship. Snuggles!
If he is absolutely not into meeting your physical needs, see a counselor, there may be other issues at work. Also, that is sort of a meanie pants thing.
I'm assuming you are monogamous — since you haven't indicated otherwise. If he's truly not into sex at all, maybe he'd encourage you to get it elsewhere. CALM DOWN READERS. I'm not saying go on ashleymadison.com — based on my recent experiment, I think we know how that would turn out (Spoiler alert: Dicks). Don't cheat. That's not cool. What I am saying is have an open and honest discussion. It's not unheard of for one partner to say, "Hey it's totally fine if you get your sex needs met by another person. Sex isn't everything." It's just one suggestion. (I am going to get so many emails about this.)
In love and cake and orgasms,
Do you have a question for Momma Bare? Body? Sex? Kids? Email Joni at firstname.lastname@example.org and she'll give you some goofy and possibly sound advice.