Ask Erin: My Partner Won't Admit Our Relationship Isn't What It Used To Be

I want someone to act like they want to be in a relationship with me. Her response when I try to talk to her about it is that I don’t get how long-term relationships work" Image: Thinkstock.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’ve been in a lesbian relationship for two years. The first six months were amazing. After that, she began pulling away from me in small ways. At first, she gave me fewer compliments. Then, we started having sex less, going out together less, in general spending less time together.

In the past six months, we seem to be having more and more arguments. I feel like she’s not committing to a more permanent situation. She keeps encouraging me to get my own place (without a roommate), which I really cannot afford. She says she would help me out, yet she doesn’t want to officially move in together.

I know that she loves me but I am unsure of what love means to her. I know she texts with other women. I feel like she’s become bored with me. She’s going out with friends, without me, more and more.

I’m starting to feel really frustrated and unappreciated. I feel angry or upset all the time. I want a healthy relationship. I want someone to act like they want to be in a relationship with me. Her response when I try to talk to her about it is that I don’t get how long-term relationships work.

How can I change this cycle we are in, when she is not willing to even recognize there is a problem? I feel like she’s just not admitting that she wants out. Help.

A.

It can be very frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who says they’re content, when you feel otherwise and your needs are not getting met.

Yes, over time, relationships ebb and flow, and the level of romance will not always be high. That’s not realistic.

However, it doesn’t appear that what you want from the relationship is unreasonable.

You may have to accept that the two of you have very different ideas about what constitutes a healthy relationship.

In fact, she said that you “don’t get how long-term relationships work.” That is neither true nor untrue, as you may have different definitions and different needs. What is clear is that the relationship is not working for you.

That is what you need to focus on: what you want, what you need.

It’s an exercise in futility and frustration to try to figure out what she wants.

The bottom line is that you’re unhappy. The only way to change this cycle may be to break up.

Here’s what I would do: Make a list of what you want and need from a relationship, from her. Then have an honest and open conversation about what your needs are and what you want out of the relationship.

If she is unwilling or unable to work on that — to find middle ground — then I would end things.

Sometimes we stay with people because we love them.

But relationships partnerships in order to be sustained in the long term, are about more than love alone.


If you have a question for me about sex, dating, relationships, spelling, Pokemon Go (not really), ballet, pepper jelly, or anything at all, email me at rarelywrongerin@gmail.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

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