She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
I don't trust my husband. He had a years-long emotional affair that I ended up having to squash within this first week of our being married.
Since then he has been angry at me for squashing his affair. He has flirted with other women, gone on dates when I was at a conference, propositioned other women, and now confessed that he has an incest fantasy.
We have not had sex since August of last year, and I have no interest in doing that again with him.
Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go? How can I learn to trust him?
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Well, it’s no wonder you don’t trust your husband. And, I wouldn’t want to have sex with him, either!
The thing is, this question should really be the other way around.
How can your husband earn back your trust?
Pretty much every sentence you had in there was rife with red flags. Putting the emotional affair aside, he’s done a ton of other sketchy, red-flag having shit since then.
Dates while you're away? Propositioning other women? And the kicker of all kickers…. an incest fantasy? An incest fantasy with who? Ugh, this makes me sad.
(And before Y'all come at me with the what about polyamory argument... Yes, that’s great; that works for some people. But, this woman doesn’t sound like she signed up for a non-monogamous marriage)
PLEASE tell me you do not have children with this man. If you do not, and you were my friend, I would tell you exactly what I am going to tell you now — Get out.
And if you do have children with this man, also GTFO.
He’s angry at you for calling him out on his behavior and, what, punishing you by now pursuing physical affairs. No, just no. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who treats you with respect, emotionally and physically.
You are not overreacting. You shouldn’t just let it go. You should get out.
Please, get out.
If, for some reason, you still want to make this work. PLEASE, get the two of you to couples therapy AND get yourself to some individual therapy.
You don’t have to learn how to trust him again because he is not someone who sounds at all trustworthy.
I’m sorry; I know that may not be what you wanted to hear, but deep down, I do think you wanted or needed someone to tell you that.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, Apophyllite, what I’m reading, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo