It's Take Your Child To Work Day AKA EVERY DAY AT MY HOUSE

Happy Take Your Child(ren) To Work Day!

Take Your Child To Work Day was originally Take Your Daughters To Work Day, a non-profit program (not sure how you could possibly profit off of that, but that’s what Wikipedia said, so there you go) that was founded in 1992 (the year I graduated from high school, OMG NO) encouraging parents to take their daughters to work for a day, presumably to encourage them to achieve their dreams or whatever.

I have a dream. My dream is that my child(ren) stay the hell out of my home office while I’m on a phone interview with Mary Lambert.

The program was expanded to include boys in 2003 because we just can’t have anything ever for ourselves.

My husband works for a big tech thing in Silicon Valley (it’s Paypal and yes, it is just like the HBO comedy). At Paypal, Take Your Child(ren) To Work Day is just an absurdly large party (because Silicon Valley, DUH) with a bounce house bigger than my actual house and 20 terrifying clowns and cotton candy (because kids need MOAR SUGARSSS) and games with PRIZES and free massages (just kidding, that only happens at Google).

But I digress.

I’m not sure how a monster bounce house and a sugar coma is supposed to teach kids about work, but whatever.

I digress (again).

I work from home, so Take Your Child(ren) To Work Day is more like Do The Same Thing You Do EVERY MOTHER FRACKING DAY AND JUST TRY NOT TO STRANGLE ANYONE.

There is no bounce house, only the scent of desperation and lots of crackers. Having my kids “see” me work means having my kids hanging off the back of my desk chair, reading emails over my shoulder, and repeatedly yelling WHAT ARE YOU WRITING NOW MOMMY?

What am I writing? I will TELL you what I am writing. I am writing a letter to Paypal telling them they are ruining it for the rest of us mere mortals whose work involves actual WORK. When I’m done with my letter to Paypal, I’m writing a Craiglist ad that says:

Children, ages 4 and 6, free to good any even reasonably suitable home.


What the ad actually says is:

Seeking babysitter with experience caring for two monsters lovely children, ages 4 and 6 (but more like 13 and 15). Position to be fulfilled in ANY PLACE BUT MY HOME OFFICE.

What I’m saying is Take Your Child(ren) To Work Day is a NIGHTMARE that I live EVERY DAY.

I Take My Child(ren) To Work, in my house, where we are everyflippinday, and try to occupy them with things like coloring books and Benadryl.


I don’t use Benadryl.

Midday melatonin works way better.



I give them cookies.

Their blood sugar plotted on a line graph looks like an EKG.


It looks more like this:


OH WAIT. That’s just me rapid cycling.


Oh wait, that's actually true.


Working from home is actually pretty awesome — I mean, if you don't have kids, working from home is actually pretty awesome. If you DO have kids, working from home is like Chinese Water Torture, only with more cartoons and children cage-fighting over Playdoh.

I'll be taking my kids to work today! It's gonna be GREAT.


Please, there is NO WAY I could work here with kids spilling juice on my laptop and screaming I WANNA GO TO THE PARK all day.

I have a babysitter. 

Thank you, Tiny Baby Jesus, for babysitters. 

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