Dear #NotAllMen (You Too, Matt Lauer): Welcome To Being A Woman

#NotAllMen (You Too, Matt Lauer)

This shouldn’t come as a surprise any longer, because it seems like every other dude in the entertainment industry (or really any industry for that matter) is a creep, but now it’s Matt Lauer. Matt got the proverbial boot Wednesday after someone (I’m guessing a woman) came forward about his "inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace."

Matt has been the male face of Today since 1997 when he took over after Bryant Gumbel vacated his spot as morning co-host with Katie. Today his face is all but gone from the various Today Show social media accounts. *POOF!* Off with you and your bad behavior.

I’m sad to see Matt go if for no other reason than that he was the adult male voice in my house every morning until morning news became passe for everyone except my grandma. I’m not sad to see yet another sexual predator being appropriately reprimanded for his shit behavior. More than a slap on the inappropriate wrist, this man just blew his entire career.

Good luck finding a job, Matt.

We should have seen this coming in 1998 when Ms. Piggy chastised Matt on air.  

And also when he claims he couldn’t control himself because of her DRESS.

All fun and games, you say? I say many a truth is told in jest.

I don’t expect Matt Lauer to say anything publicly by way of an apology. I’m sure he remembers quite vividly how well that went over for Louis CK (not well). My guess is he’ll sulk off into the shadows with his severance package. Hopefully he invested some of the $25,000,000 (MILLION) he made a year, you know, before he destroyed his reputation. He’d probably love to say that whoever made the complaint was exaggerating or lying (that’s just conjecture) because that is what men like to do when they look like absolute perverts.

 

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With #NotAllMen crying about how frightened they are to lose their jobs or threaten their precious careers as a result of a false accusation by a female co-worker, you have to ask yourself: If they are decent humans, why would they be afraid at all? Women don’t just make this shit up. No one is going to come forward and say, “He whipped out his ding-a-ling and started playing the skin flute,” for fun. That is just not a thing people manufacture.

I know this because a man did this in front of me. In a sleeper car heading north from Rome to the Swiss Alps, while I watched the wineries of the Italian countryside pass by and read The Stand, a man pulled his penis OUT OF HIS PANTS and thought it would be perfectly appropriate to ejaculate onto his own lap. Not only did I not invent this horrifying scenario, I didn’t even tell anyone about it — because I was terrified.

Men are worried about the potential threat these predatory, vengeful women pose to their beloved careers. Meanwhile, women are working in an environment where at any moment a man might grab her ass because he thinks he can. Her boss might flash her in the breakroom while she’s just trying to get a cup of coffee that isn’t two days old and freezing just so she can stay alert to the possibility that she’s about to have a sudden dick in her periphery.

It’s not that I don’t love men. I absolutely love men. But love has limits, and those limits include (but are not limited to) keeping your penis in your pants until I expressly ask you for it.

Never once in the course of my marriage have I been subjected to an unwarranted ding-dong — and that is my HUSBAND, who has a ding-dong I actually want to see.

Can the men of the general population maybe hold each other accountable? Like when you’re at the bar having an extra hoppy 9% IPA, or on the magnificently manicured course playing a round of (pointless) golf, just cooly suggest that your friend never behind-hug his co-worker putting her in the awkward situation of having to A. guess who is invading her personal space and B. decide whether or not to kick that person in the kneecaps. Perhaps you might slide in a plea, “You know Keith, it’s really disturbing to see how many men are engaging in this totally inappropriate workplace [or anyplace] behavior. I mean I’d never do anything so vile, and I know you wouldn’t either! RIGHT? *wink wink nudge nudge*”

The misogynistic bullshit is exactly why female-created workspaces like The Wing in New York City exist. Women have resorted to creating a segregated workspace where no dicks will likely ever be in their face. Mark my words, men will bitch about this — probably because if all the women leave, who will be there to testify to the existence of the Almighty Penis?! The Ravishly team is all women, and I like it that way. We aren’t opposed to having male staff members — our investor is a very kind man — but anyone who looks like a potential dick-risk is going to be subjected to some rigorous examination.

Men, welcome to what it’s like to be (or have been) a woman for the last 44 billion-ish years. You’re scared about the potential loss of your career? We’re scared if we don’t suck-off the boss we won’t have one. You say that’s hyperbolic?

Women, show of hands if you’ve ever been in a work environment where you were in any way objectified by a male coworker. What about your boss?

Hands up, all over the world, in yet another powerful (and pathetic — we should not still be experiencing this) act of sexually harassed #MeToo solidarity. And let this be a lesson to the future Matt Lauers of the world: We will not always stand idly by while you act like we owe you our bodies and attention.


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