Bodies

When one has a mental illness and thrives under routine and consistency, change can be akin to a four-letter word. For me, that is certainly the case. I loathe change.

I was a binge eater for the first 24 years of my life. As far back as I can remember, I would binge on food. My mom was a health nut and very judgmental about junk, and I wanted Goldfish, goddamnit! I felt like all that almond butter was stopping me from having a full childhood. And so I did my best to get in as many Cheez-Its and Fruit Loops and Snickers when I could.

For long time, I wondered why the people I dated, people I was friends with, and jobs I was taking on were temporary or weren't ever interested in a long-term commitment. It seemed like every opportunity I had was for a short-term assignment or position, every person I liked only wanted to date casually.

If you aren’t Fat and Fab, what are you? If you have a shit day — a really shit day; one where you despise your body — is it tantamount to a chink in your armor?

You realize pretty soon that everything other than cancer — i.e. missing a train, being late to your dentist appointment — is no biggie compared to the suck factor of chemo.

It started out like any other Friday fall morning. The foliage was slowly turning to stunning yellows, reds, and oranges. Workers and students alike were heading off to their respective responsibilities, likely looking forward to the weekend.

Have you ever noticed how cultish fad diets can be? I didn’t, because I was in the cult. And cult members never think they are part of a cult. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that today’s diets may be filling the same human societal role that religions fill, and not in a good way.

“You’re getting thin, gal!” My mom said as I strutted through the archway of my parents’ front door. “Thanks mom,” I muttered. It was the fifth time I’d heard the compliment in recent weeks. Close friends, other relatives and even my live-in partner were showering me with incessant praise about the sudden slimming of my wide waist and rotund thighs.