Breaking News: The Women Of Ashley Madison DON'T EXIST

It's today's completely unremarkable news: The women of Ashley Madison almost literally don't exist. Hackers have revealed that 90-95% of the female profiles are concocted. Either that OR women saw the site and were like, uh, I gotta go, someone is calling me, my mom is sick, my dog has a splinter, kthxbye.

Seriously, even if the women created profiles were real actual humans, they probably immediately left because OMG ASHLEY MADISON is perverse. What of the remaining 5%? I'm saying a combination of women actually looking for a good time, and empowered sex workers who are really smart capitalists.

As you may recall, we discussed the high morals of the men (using that term so so lightly) of Ashley Madison, in my recent article 3 Pricks In 3 Minutes: The AshleyMadison Experiment (which was written before the hack, because I'm clairvoyant). Let me summarize: I signed up — in the name of science, obviously — and over the course of 24 hours, I was the super, duper, lucky recipient of no less than 22 completely unremarkable dick pics. 

My best guess is Ashley Madison has a team of brilliant scientists huddled in a dark room, pretending to be sexy desperate females, luring men in with huge boobs, receiving dick pics, pretending to be interested, and then shunning them when things get weird (which is pretty much immediately). Let's face the facts, if there were no females on AM, fake or otherwise, these dudes would be left to their own devices, i.e., Craigslist parking lot hook-ups. 

I'm not convinced that the fake profiles are a bad idea, necessarily. Most of these winners probably couldn't score with an actual human.

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