In today's THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T EAT NICE THINGS news: The Cucumbers. Salmonella tainted ones, to be exact. Now, this is no laughing matter. Two people have actually died, like are no longer living, because of a CUCUMBER (well, the Salmonella on the cucumber, but you get it). To be fair, one of those people was 99 years old, so the cuke was probably the final straw. Bless her heart, she was trying to be healthy, eating vegetables and shit. And now, her 100th birthday party? Canceled. By way of a summer squash.
Thirty states in all are affected; California is leading the pack with 72 reported cases. OBVIOUSLY. You can't expect all those hippies in Nor Cal to stop eating salads. Dude. They're VEGAN. What else are they going to eat? Lentils. Let's be real, you can only eat so many lentils.
In the women's health classic Our Bodies, Ourselves (if you haven't read it, you need to — order it there), the resilient and renewable cuke is suggested for use as a masturbatory device (organic cuke for you health nuts in the crowd). You actually can't get Salmonella through your vagina. No need to toss those possibly tainted dildos. Reduce. Reuse. Repurpose.
Mostly I'm pissed because the drought here in California killed my cukes — well, the drought, and the forgetting to water them, one of those. Where will I get cukes NOW? You know Canada doesn't have any. Post-sushi palate cleanser? GONE. POOF. You cannot sub a zucchini in that situation. Just EW. And what are the hipsters going to put in their infusion water bottles? Back to strawberries, that's what. And those are OUT OF SEASON. Where are you going to find fresh organic strawberries in September? No where.
*** This is all fun and games but Salmonella is actually REALLY AWFUL. Check in with the CDC here for updates. And just to be safe, THROW AWAY EVERY CUCUMBER YOU SEE from now until no one is dying.