The world’s sexiest couple, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar have FINALLY released their long awaited scripture of secrets into their steamy sex lives. Rejoice world! At last, we can elevate our own s.e.x. to that of a prophylactic-ly challenged Baptist couple. (For those of you wondering 'who the hell are the Duggars?!' They've got a TLC show where they showcase the 19 children they've created in 30 years. And that about sums it up.)
So here we go!
1.) Say yes to sex, even when you’re tired.
Did you know that 80% of rapes occur in your own home? Don’t be a statistic – always say yes. After all, men are in charge.
2.) Don’t have sex if you're on your period, or you've just had a baby.
Because you are disgusting when you’re menstruating and you should sit alone in corner eating chocolate/your breasts are full of milk and that makes the sheets soggy and disgusting.
3.) Treat your wife like a queen.
Not an equal. A queen. Sit her on that pedestal and bow to her ladybits that you completely ignore once a month for a week.
4.) Be emotionally vulnerable – share your deepest secrets
Please please please tell us that Jim Bob is into some weird fetishes.
5.) “Expectations ruin relationships”
Silly woman, did you honestly expect your lover to make you orgasm?!
6.) Make time for date night
Yes, and be sure to plan date night during your period if you’re not in the mood to get frisky.
7.) Never stop learning
Refer to #4
In comparison, most married sex advice looks like this:
- Be adventurous in bed. Try new positions and toys.
- Communicate your needs in bed.
- Keep your fingertips roaming all over his/her body. Don’t park them mid-coitus.
- Wear nothing but jewelry around the house.
- Surpise your spouse in the shower. Yay shower sex!
- Look at each other while you’re doing it.
- Busy? Perfect the quickie.
- Name one of your favorite positions. It’ll be your little secret.
- Remind your partner that s/he is the sexiest person on the planet.
- Try out random middle of the night sex.
All jokes aside though ... we have to admit they seem pretty happy! And if they're still doin' it like rabbits G*d bless 'em. (And her obviously made-of-steel vagina!)