Ah, doesn’t Valentine’s Day bring out the best? Your Facebook newsfeed probably looks a little like this right now:
Bitter Lonely Friend: “F*CK VALENTINE’S DAY! I use this holiday as a public forum to remind everyone – including strangers – of how miserable I am. Pour on the pity comments.
Smug Married Friend: “I am blissfully happy on this day of love. I don’t regret marrying my college sweetheart. I’m not a goddamn trainwreck like you.”
Party B*tch Friend: “I need a dick in my mouth like five minutes ago. Hell, I’ll take a clit.”
Somehow, this notorious day has become lovely, a little evil and all about sex.
Ok. How's it Evil? Funny you should ask!
First of all, the origins of Valentine's Day are based on violent lies. Legend has it that Roman priest St. Valentine was executed for marrying lovers against Emperor Claudius Gothicus’s (or Claudius II) demands. Guess what day he died? February 14, 269. Actually, “died” is an understatement: he was beaten, stoned, and decapitated.
Naturally, the disgusting parts are true. What’s fudged a bit is the motive. See, ol’ Claudius II was a raging pagan - Valentine was Christian. The illegal marriages were one of many problems Claudius II had with Valentine. It’s not romance – it’s the memorial of a disgusting death. Do I smell a blockbuster?!
OK. Where's all the Love come in?
As much as Christians love worshipping violent deaths – Hello Passion of the Christ – Valentine’s Day was not about romantic love at first. Actually, it wasn’t until Geoffrey Chaucer (of the “Canterbury Tales,” i.e. English’s first fart joke) wrote the poem “Parliament of Fowls” in the late 14th century that people even connected the damn dots. The poem details a dude’s dream, which largely revolves around bickering birds and naked goddesses (like that slutty vixen Venus). Amidst all the fornication and frolicking, the speaker mentions that it’s Valentine’s Day.
“You know that on Saint Valentine’s day/By my statute and through my governance, / You come to choose – and then fly your way – Your mates.”
There you have it. Go find a mate now.
But what about the lube and naughty knickers I'm supposed to buy for copious amounts of Dirty Sex?
First of all, Durex condom sales increase by 20% for Valentine’s Day. Seriously. And just who’s banging? 59% of millennials claim that they’ll be having sex on Valentine’s Day ... but 85% of 2,000 men and women between the ages of 18 and 70 said sex is an vital part of Valentine's Day. Among the instruments for seduction? Sparkling wine baby! 1.6 million bottles will be sold for the big day.
But you know who's having the biggest wettest dream of all? Good 'ol fashioned capitalism here folks.
But don't let our cynicism get ya down: here's to you and yours and la la la love!