Teddy Love: The Stuffed Animal Sex Toy of our Worst Nightmares

You know, I like to think of myself as open-minded. But occasionally, I hear a story that makes me recoil in prudish horror. Things like, you know, a sex toy shaped like a teddy bear.

So much "NO NO NO!"

Thanks to a new Indiegogo campaign, our childhoods have been effectively soiled for all eternity. Teddy Love is a stuffed bear (just like good ol' Mr. Beary from your youthful days) with a vibrating muzzle and a tongue for down-there pleasuring. Oh, and a black bowtie—because this is a classy stuffed animal sex toy, ladies!

So how does the little creeper work? Users control the speed of the tongue using hidden buttons located inside one of the bear's ears, with 10 intensity levels available—because hey, if you're going to be a weirdo, you may as well go full throttle.

According to the video (it's at the bottom, but feel free to skip it), creator Dawn Harmon designed this toy primarily for one thing: discretion. If you're thinking "what the holy hell is discreet about a stuffed animal with a black bowtie and a protruding tongue?" then we're officially on the same page. Harmon has a different perspective, though. In her video, she begs the question:

Have you ever seen someone walking through an airport, in a restaurant, or in a place of business, with a large adult toy visibly protruding through a handbag or briefcase?

Umm. No.

Our novel and discreet product can be displayed anywhere, inconspicuously, without fear or embarrassment.

Until, of course, your niece and nephew come over to snag Teddy Love off the shelf for a tea party. Good luck getting that awful image out of your head! So far, the campaign isn't so hot: as of press time, it had only garnered $60, a small dent in the hoped-for $50,000. It's only been up for three days, though. So maybe time will tell?

The Ick Factor

So continues the fetishization of childhood delights. The pathological desire to attach lurid sexuality to youthful innocence drives everything from adult women rocking pigtails with lingerie to the epidemic of baby talk in bed.

Let's be clear here: the teddy bear was inspired by a President Roosevelt-inspired cartoon. It is cute and decidedly for children, and there is nothing sexy about that. In other words: Getting horny and craving a teddy bear is weird—not empowering.