In a tale that defies conventional notions of virility and vaginal strength, we bring you the wince-inducing history of Feodor Vassilyev, a Russian man who brings a whole new meaning to the word father. Born in 1707, Vassilyev was a Russian peasant from the riverside town of Shuya. Now it seems that Vassilyev was a busy man. Was he tilling the fields you ask? Toiling over a hot stove? Distilling vodka, stacking wood? Maybe.
But mostly he was getting. it. on. He impregnated his—anonymous, isn't that charming?—wife 69 times between 1725 and 1765. While pesky details like her name, date of birth and cause of death have been obscured by her wondrous womb, her births have withstood the cobwebby-y cockles of history. First documented in Gentlemen's Magazine in 1783, it is said that out of the 69 children the Vassilyev's conceived, 67 of them survived, an astounding feat in that day and age of rampant mother and infant mortality. (Not to mention no epidurals, C-sections or painkillers, people.)
Mrs. Vassilyev gave birth to 16 sets of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruples in 40 years; Mrs. Duggar is probably green to the damn gills about this Russian peasant's fertility. Doesn't God know she's on cable?!
One might think Mr. Vassilyev would've thanked his lucky stars for his fantastic fecundity, his wife's powerful pussy (and um, nipples of steel) and thought to himself, ya know? My wife spent 20 years of her life being pregnant—literally—I think it might be time to call it quits.
But no. Mr. Vassilyev went on to marry another woman and impregnate her 18 times, bringing into this world a grand total of 82 children who survived infancy. Where the hell did everyone sleep? And eat? How do you feed 67 children supper—in a damn trough?!
And I'm no mathematician, but let's say each one of these children went on to have two children because, unlike their mother, they were a little more ambivalent in their desire to breast feed for two decades. We then factor in about 25 years between each generation and by the year 2025 they'd have about 40,000 descendants.
They don't make reality like the Vassilyevs' anymore; even if you whipped up Sixteen and Pregnant and the Kardashians in a filthy blender, that concoction still wouldn't have anything on the drama of this Russian tribe.