Here's How to Throw a Proper Straight White Guy Festival

CAN'T WAIT BRO! Courtesy of ThinkStock

CAN'T WAIT BRO! Courtesy of ThinkStock

Lately, le internet has been blowing up over the prospect of a "Straight White Guy Festival." (Or maybe, according to Reddit user mused, "golf?")

You know who isn't angry over this prospect? The aptly named Young Conservatives who point out that gay pride events happen, like, all the time and the poor folks who "politely disagree with homosexuality" are being marginalized. 

Let's get one thing clear: every day is straight white guy day. Come on! We have a documented history of Caucasian male superiority. Slavery? Chinese Exclusion Act? Presidents? It's like an Olympian gold medalist complaining that the bronze is prettier. Shut up. You've already won. To be fair, there are certain socioeconomic injustices to which no one is immune but for the most part, it's generally accepted that heterosexual white dudes have it made. 

Alright. Now that I've got that out of the way, I have to say: this Straight White Guy Festival kind of needs to happen. And it needs to be amazingly ironic and hilarious. The poster does say that everyone is invited, so we need to make this epic. Here are my suggestions: 


At SWGF, we honor pale men music. Lynyrd Skynyrd is going to be a big component of this. Note: "Sweet Home Alabama" is to be played just once ("Simple Man" can be repeated). Then, we need some country. Kenny Chesney should work. Now, this may be a white man party but we're not racists here. Let's get some Bob Marley going. Hell, let's be crazy and throw on a few Jay-Z jams. After all, "who's gonna run this town tonight?"


Obviously we need chips and dip, but it's vital to get the chips with the curved ends. No dip will be abandoned on its way to the mouth. We're not amateurs here. Dip must be either "cheese" made with questionable ingredients, salsa or hummus (for the health conscious). For protein, we'll have buffalo wings with an assortment of glazes—messier the better. Lastly, we'll need some vegetables. Corn on the cob should suffice (toothpicks not allowed). 


Pabst Blue Ribbon and wine from unpronounceable appellations. Nothing else. 


We will play games that are typically reserved for children, but add a drinking component to make it more socially acceptable for adults to enjoy. 

What to Wear

Wear a knitted hat or a baseball cap. I don't care what the weather tells you, this is SWGF damnit! As for actual clothes, kitschy vintage ensembles and sports attire are always safe (bonus if your vintage wear doubles as sports attire). For pants, try to wear something bright colored, cargoed or khaki. Pleats highly recommended. Hawaiian shirts, short sleeve button-downs, polos, fleece vests, docksiders, and cowboy boots also highly encouraged. 

Should I Bring Anything Else?

Sunscreen. Lots of sunscreen. 


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