Breaking News From Canada: Spooning Sex Position Not Actually Best One For A Bad Back

"Is it in?" Credit: ThinkStock

"Is it in?" Credit: ThinkStock

Leave it to those hockey-headed hecklers in Canada to begrudge spooning, that fantastic sex position beloved by lazy horndogs everywhere. Long touted by doctors as a good sex position for those who are plagued by back pain but still want to get it in, Canadian researchers stepped away from their maple sugar taps long enough to discover that this is, in fact, false

Let's face it: having back problems is the absolute worst. It makes the simplest of tasks—like, you know, sitting, standing, walking—excruciating. Juxtaposing that horror, we have the great glory that is sex: a gift hailing directly from Mama Nature and virtually every deity ever conceptualized. But, devastatingly, it's hard to enjoy the beast with two backs when your own back is failing. And up until recently, we were all led to believe that the spoon position was the best compromise.

A new study, conducted by University of Waterloo's Department of Kinesiology, smashes this notion. Turns out, the spooning position is actually horrible for people (read: men because, of course their spines were the only ones examined in this totally heteronormative study) with bad backs. Turns out, the poor back-pain-riddled dude is thrusting to get that G-spot into ignition . . . and all he gets is intensified pain for his efforts. Such a sacrifice is truly quite noble. 

So what does work for bad backs? Well, it's complicated because, as it turns out, spines are complex creatures. But don't worry, we've got your back (ha!) with an investigation into this matter.

The Best Positions For Thrusting Through The Pain

Does your lower back hurt when you sit for a long period of time? Is touching your toes just, like, the worst? Do it doggy style (ie, in scientific terms, with "hip-hinging" motions). All day. Just quit your job and only do this forever. 

If arching your back feels like Satan is stabbing you, stick with that old classic—missionary position. And actually, the spooning position is redeemed for this one issue, too. 

Finally, and very sadly, if your back hurts when you do anything to it . . . sorry, but you should probably abstain. Fingers crossed Oculus will include porn soon.

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