How To Get A Vagina Complex In 6 Easy Steps

Silly me, I thought the darn thing took care of itself. Little did I know I was sorely mistaken and had a vagina complex.

The vagina: an orifice of mystery and wonder! Do you have one? Do you like them? Are you just downright confused? 

Many folks seem reluctant to discuss the female gentalia. So let's get that out of the way right now.

For those who need a quick explanation and education of all those tricky folds and holes, here's a handy diagram of female anatomy.

What's inside? The uterus, cervix, ovaries, vagina, bladder (and its friends, ureters). What's outside? The labia, minora and majora, the clitoris, the urethral opening (also bladder's buddy). These make up the vulva, which is the too infrequently used term to describe all the external goodies. I would assume you already know all this, except that once I assisted a young woman in childbirth who thought urine and babies came out of the same hole. So let's not make any hasty assumptions.

As an aside: I employed Our Bodies Ourselves as my personal lady bible in my early 20s. I feel pretty strongly that this book should be gifted to everyone who either has or is interested in vaginas. It would save us vagina owners a lot of time explaining where the hot buttons are to bumbling men (especially fledgling men in their teenage years) who think everything great is on the inside, because of course everything that's great to them is on the inside.

All that being said, what I want to address is all the strange shit we do to our vaginas. Yes. Strange shit. When I was born with a vagina (and vulva) no one presented me with any sort of handbook for the care and grooming of said body part. Silly me, I thought the darn thing took care of itself. Little did I know I was sorely mistaken and had a vagina complex.

Shave It

Remove that hair! Don't you dare leave it down there all fluffed and tangly!

Everyone likes a tidily groomed, if not wholly shorn, bush. Use a razor, but cut it with scissors first, because there's no razor equipped to handle the influx of those nasty, thick curly hairs. Do not accidentally cut your labia minora. This will A. hurt and B. cause significant blood loss. If you like, you can shave it into the shape of a heart. A cute bush is a loved bush.

You know what? Actually forget it. Don't shave it, get it waxed. And by that I mean pay someone $50 to scald you with hot parrafin and then rip your genital fur off in one fell swoop. While you're at it, go big, go brave, go Brazilian. Who wants a hairy anus accompanying their bald vulva? That's rhetorical because the answer is no one.

Bleach It

While we are discussing the butt, let's tackle bleaching. Oh, what's that you say? You haven't inspected your anus to determine if it's the appropriate color? Pro tip: The appropriate color is pink. (If you're fair skinned, and only slightly darker if you're not). Any other color—like brown!—is unacceptable and should immediately be bleached back to its original state of pink pucker. This is to detract from the sad reality that poop comes out of it. Which, this just in, is not sexy. (Unless you're into that sort of thing.) (And if you are, you definitely want it pink. And puckered.)

Don't Forget The Vulva

While you're paying someone $75 to bleach your anus, see if they offer a two-for-one discount and get your labia thrown in. Dark labia are used labia and that's not sexy either. Back to pink they go. This will probably cost you another $75 but it's totally worth it to circumvent the embarrassment of having to explain the color of your vulva to your partner(s). They are looking.

Scent It

Natural vaginas smell gross. Fish. Meat. Eggs. Sour milk. Everything unsavory you can imagine. Get thee to Amazon stat. No, no, you don't want to actually go into a drugstore to buy vaginal deodorant. If you do that, the clerk will be forced to conclude that your vagina smells . . . not good. Ignore the warnings from ACOG, they don't even know what they're talking about. Doctors. They think they know everything. Lucky for you there are powders, sprays, and wipes, so you are offered an array of options. Just to be safe you should probably buy all three. This way you'll smell like a summer breeze and no one will even know you have a vagina.

Flush It

While you're scenting it, go ahead and rinse it out too. Yeah that's right, a douchebag isn't just an insult. It's an actual, blissfully helpful thing. You can use vinegar and water, if you like to smell like pickles, or baking soda and water if you like to smell like, well, baking soda. But don't use them together because then your vagina will turn into one of those volcano experiments you did in grade school. And while an erupting vagina might look awesome, it's probably not a good choice. Unless you're a porn star. In which case, get thee back to the Shave and Bleach It section ASAP.

Fix It

If you're old or have had babies, or just a lot of sex with giant dildos, your vagina has probably lost its youthful vigor. Kegels aren't going to cut it. So just go ahead and put aside the several thousand dollars you'll need to hire a plastic surgeon to make it smaller. Don't worry, it barely hurts at all to have an elective episiotomy. In four weeks you'll be back to your pre intercourse/baby/old lady state of super tight awesome vagina wonderland. Your partner (if he's male) will thank you for this because no one wants to do it with a saggy vagina.

And while you're busy shrinking your vagina hole, have that trusty doc go ahead and shave off some of the labia. Again this barely hurts. If you've already given birth, it hurts way less than that. You can handle it. Because lettuce leaf labia are just plain ugly, and they totally get in the way of the scissors you need to use to cut your hair before your Brazilian.

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