Joni Edelman

I guess the point of a spiritual awakening is just that; if you were already awake, you wouldn’t need a moment that was self-defining. You’d already be defined.

Help. Me. Please. And by help me, I mean, bring me my jumbo size jar of

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And what’s better than eggs? Eggs direct from the cloaca of your own chicken.

My cocktail is wrong. It’s a gin and tonic with only gin. It’s a martini with 10 olives. And I can’t stand the sun. Not today. Not this month.

When I was little, any time I got an insect bite or stubbed my toe, I had to ask my mom, “Am I going to die? If I was going to die from this, I’d already be dead — right?” I also had a 30-minute prayer that I needed to say at each meal or else everyone would be poisoned and die. And corners. I had to check all of them before I went to bed.

The Cabbage Soup Diet, aka The "Torture” Diet. You just put cabbage in water and cook it. And you eat it. All day. It is not good. You will still be hungry, and farting — very smelly, paint-peeling farting.

The FDA has approved a new drug for banishing double chins . . . it's ACID.

Can we just take a pause to consider all of the total fucking bullshit to which we subject ourselves?