Joni Edelman

When I was little, any time I got an insect bite or stubbed my toe, I had to ask my mom, “Am I going to die? If I was going to die from this, I’d already be dead — right?” I also had a 30-minute prayer that I needed to say at each meal or else everyone would be poisoned and die. And corners. I had to check all of them before I went to bed.

What to really expect when you're expecting.

A weekly trip to Walmart would end in tears — first theirs, then mine. Them pining in the toy aisle. Me saying no. Over and over. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to buy my kids whatever they wanted, it was that I couldn’t.

Oh hey remember that time in 1804 when Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton had an actual duel, with actual guns and Burr shot Hamilton and Hamilton did not shoot Burr. And then the next day Hamilton died.

The Cabbage Soup Diet, aka The "Torture” Diet. You just put cabbage in water and cook it. And you eat it. All day. It is not good. You will still be hungry, and farting — very smelly, paint-peeling farting.

...I’m going to help you! By “help” I mean “tell you all the things that didn’t work.”

Actually, no, I'm not a gluttonous moron.

The FDA has approved a new drug for banishing double chins . . . it's ACID.

I did The Today Show, and after that spent 45 minutes talking to Inside Edition. If you're confused, imagine how I felt.

I was told that feminism is man hate. That abortion is murder. And then I thought, "What am I doing here?"