Prior to last week, I could not recall a time that I waxed even my bikini line, much less went the whole kit and caboodle into hairless town. Pubic hair has a PURPOSE. Or I mean, it did, before we had clothes to cover our junk and keep it from freezing/other things that you would not want happening to your vag.
There is no quantity of porn that will ever make me feel like a bare bush is a good idea, even from a cosmetic standpoint. But next week I’ll be surrendering my uterus to the biohazardous waste bin, and my dignity along with it. So my thought process has extended past the point of my swimsuit line.
I’m an RN and I know that surgeons don’t care about your pubic hair. But also as an RN, I know that even though a surgeon doesn’t CARE about your pubic hair, he is still going to SEE your pubic hair. And if your pubic hair is oh, say, as long as the hair on your head (I mean, hypothetically), he is probably going to ask a nurse to find a pair of sterile scissors, and give you the ol’ Supercuts Pube Special (fortunately the price of the trim is included in the $11,000 hospital stay. Wash and blowout: not included).
Also, if you have a vagina — and you probably do, because if you didn’t have a vagina, you most likely would have checked out of this article about 11 sentences ago — you know that things come out of your vagina. In my case, there will be blood coming out of it.
In the case of the blood thing, there is just some part of me that feels like less hair would equal less hassle. I don’t know if that’s true at all. But something possessed me to wax my nether regions. And sharing is caring.
So here’s what I learned:
1. There is no Pinterest board for "Crotch Waxing."
There is probably a good reason for this (i.e., nudity). Also vaginas aren’t nearly as exciting as a Frozen-themed birthday party. HOWEVER, I do think it’s probably easier to wax your vulva than it is to make an Olaf piñata.
2. Yoga comes in handy.
Make sure and stretch out first. I contorted myself so extremely that I had crippling abdominal pain the next day. It could be because my abdominal muscles haven’t seen a workout in seven years. Regardless. Highly recommend some downward puppy-dog before you go downward pussy-cat.
3. Hard wax 5EVER.
I have waxed things before using the old-school, cloth strip/liquid hot wax method. Do NOT try this for your southern hemisphere. There are two very compelling reasons to choose hard wax, and frankly, do you really need more than one?
Reason one: I am neither fast nor coordinated enough to apply two things in rapid succession. This is a recipe for disaster.
Reason two: Cloth strip wax is clear(ish). Clear things are not easy to see. Your risk of overflow is exponentially higher if you’re using something you can barely see.
Oh, did you get wax in the pubes that you do NOT want waxed? TOO BAD. You are either going full Brazilian or you are going to look like you were waxed by a toddler.
The hard wax I bought is dark green. You apply it warm (it’s about as thick as thin honey), but not hot, because OMG NO. It hardens up. You yank it off. It’s easy to see.
This is helpful when you’re trying to look at parts of your body you were not anatomically built to be able to see.
4. Hard wax is also OH HOLY NIGHT messy 5EVER.
Downside to dark green hard wax? If you get it on ANYTHING that is not your body (the floor, your fingernails, the bathtub), it is not going to be easily removed. This stuff has staying power. I got some (ok a lot) on a bath towel. The towel ended up in the washing machine with the other white clothes. These were all washed in hot water.
If this happens to you, I hope you either like wax on EVERYTHING, or are ready to buy all new towels and socks.
5. A mirror is a must.
Unless you are used to operating in the dark with your eyes closed, you’re going to need something to provide a visual assist.
No, it doesn’t look weird at all to squat over a mirror. Why do you ask?
6. It hurts, but not more than having a baby.
Having-a-baby-pain is the metric by which all pain is measured for me. And this hurts a LOT less than that. The most painful part of this process was the hamstring pull that occurred as a result of me trying to put my leg above my head on the wall.
And my wounded pride.
7. Anything you can do, I can do (maybe not so much) better.
After the wax had cooled and the towels had migrated said cooled wax all over every other white thing in the laundry, I did have a vulva as smooth as... well, a smooth vulva.
It made a huge mess, but not an unmanageable one. I wounded myself, but not mortally.
On the yay side: time savings, money savings, humiliation savings (questionable), plus Amazon one-day shipping means I never had to leave the house.
On the nay side: it took me forever (but maybe that’s just because I am hopelessly uncoordinated), it made an enormous mess, it’s kind of embarrassing when your 16-year-old walks in on you sitting naked on your bathroom counter.
Why didn’t I just pay someone, you ask (thinking to yourself, is this woman literally insane)? Well, that is a damn good question. The answer to which is... I don’t know. I’m a DIYer to the core (I remodeled my own bathroom, DO NOT RECOMMEND, IF YOU LIKE HAVING A TOILET), which may or may not serve me well in the end.
I do really like a challenge. But maybe the Olaf piñata would have been a better choice.