Yep. That's a vibrator.
If you don’t know where your clitoris is, find it. Contrary to what television would have you believe, it is not inside your vagina.
Masturbation. Flogging the frog, spanking the monkey, choking the chicken, yanking your crank, pounding the python, roping the pig, tossing the turkey — wow, there are a lot of disturbing animal references in there, oh, and also none of them apply to women.
From the time those with a penis discover said penis (so, pretty early on) — and bless it, it has sensations that are pleasurable — you can bet your bottom dollar (or $20, go ahead, double down) that any time they are late for pretty much anything (barring automobile accident or other tragedy), they are such, because they were distracted by their own penis.
Moods are directly related to Current Penis Status. Happy? Masturbated today. Really happy? Masturbated just now. Anxious? Counting the minutes until masturbation. Sad? Want to masturbate, but have to work instead. Grouchy? Haven’t masturbated. It’s all about the masturbation. Everyone knows it and no one would dare dispute it. Dudes love their dicks.
Like many of our discussions in Western society, in discussing sex, women are generally an afterthought. So it is with masturbation. Porn is mostly made for, and procured by, males. Sex shops are advertised to males. Beer is marketed to males, and therefore half-naked women holding beers are marketed to males. It’s all about the dudes.
There are a number of anthropological reasons why men are so obsessed with their wieners — probably something to do with crop-dusting the landscape with their baby-gravy. Women sadly don’t produce any such magical juice — so basically we just laze about waiting to be inseminated (well, after we track and slay a saber-tooth for dinner and beat our animal skin skirts clean in the stream . . . then, insemination).
Despite our preoccupation with foraging and sweeping the hut floors seven times a day (that dirt is really . . . dirty), we too can experience sexual pleasure in a profound and blissful way, even if we don’t tell everyone. Men may have a corner on the masturbation market, but ladies, let’s make our voices (and orgasms) heard. There is enough shame around being a woman — we are shamed into silence, self-harm, self-loathing — let’s decriminalize the fine art of self-pleasure.
And because I am steadfast in my assertion that women deserve equal masturbation time, and realize not everyone has done it and not everyone knows how, here’s a masturbation primer.
You may have grown up with the deeply ingrained notion that bodies and sex are dirty. They aren’t. Step one: Recognize the voice in your head that says enjoying your body is lustful or sinful or gross. That voice is a dirty rotten scoundrel liar. Ignore it. The are a lot of layers of religion here too, and I’m not Christian, but if I was I’d wager that the fact that the body is capable of pleasure means it is as God intended. Praise the Lord. He made orgasms. Thank you. Amen.
Getting started. If you don’t know how to masturbate or just aren’t sure if it’s something you’re interested in, just be naked first. Be naked, and learn about your body. Touch and caress it. Love it as would would want your lover to. Touch yourself everywhere, including the soft spots of your belly, your breasts, the curve of your hip, your labia, vagina, clitoris. If you’ve never masturbated before, maybe you didn’t even know when could achieve orgasm, then just take some time to get used to the idea. This is the first day of the rest of your self-loving life. (Reminder: Not dirty. Not gross.)
Is it getting hot in here?
Find your erogenous zones. And use them. If you don’t know where your clitoris is, find it. Contrary to what television would have you believe, it is not inside your vagina. Go north. It may be hidden or slightly retracted. Lift the clitoral hood. See what’s up. Light pressure is a good way to start. Clockwise or counterclockwise. Up and down or side to side. This is a good time to employ some lubricant.
If you aren’t aroused to orgasm quickly, or even at all, don’t panic. Up to 10-15% of women report never reaching orgasm at all, and 75% can’t achieve it during vaginal sex (not without help anyway). In either case, touching yourself is a good place to start.
Switch it up. Just like sex can be enjoyed in many positions, so too can masturbation. Lay on your back and spread out. Lay on your stomach and grind against your hand or a pillow or whatever you have nearby. The voice telling you you’re weird? It’s lying. Keep moving around until you decide on a position that works for you. Then switch it up again.
Get an assist. A. Thank god for Amazon Prime. B. Thank UPS for brown boxes. With a couple of clicks, you can have a vibrator, lube, and massaging handheld shower head on their way to your door. There are far too many vibrators available to even begin to narrow down which one may be your perfect mate. I recommend a bullet (for everyday and travel) and a more industrial g-spot and clitoral stimulator for the days you really want to get down.
If you’re just too timid to let the Internet know you’re searching for sex toys (hey, that would make for fun Facebook ads) then you can make do with want you’ve got. The massage setting of your shower head (which no one would suspect as a sex toy) can provide a unique type of stimulation. And in a pinch you can use a vibrating toothbrush. Yep. Just went there.
And with the toothbrush suggestion, my work here is done.