How To Consciously Date An African-American Man

Some helpful advice.

Are you physically attracted to the Black man's physique and skin tone? If you are, you may be leading your romantic pursuits with your libido. 

As an African-American woman, I sympathize greatly with the plight of Black men in America. The most troubling issue for me is the slanted press and stereotypes Black men endure, resulting in them carrying a skewed reputation of being violent, lazy criminals everywhere they go.

I personally have a number of Black male family members and friends who have never been to jail, have college degrees, and are good fathers. Because of this knowledge (and my general affinity for being a tolerant and realistic human being), I believe Black men deserve the utmost respect in relationships, just like anyone else. They are not always afforded fair and balanced romantic and interpersonal relationships because of the constant projection of negative images of their bodies and personalities.

If you consider yourself naturally attracted to African-American men or would like to know more about dating them, here are a few things to consider before your pursue a relationship.

Are You In It For Lust Or Love?

Are you physically attracted to the Black man's physique and skin tone? If you are, you may be leading your romantic pursuits with your libido. Black men (as anyone else) deserve better than that. Going to the club to check hot Black guys out like they are in a meat market is just as degrading as men objectifying women. Black men are not just super-sexy, they are human beings and deserve all of you, not just your sexual side. Smile, be kind, and show your natural personality. You don't have to come on strong to get to know a man.

Do You ACTUALLY Understand What's Going On?

It is wise to learn about the history and the current social and racial climate of America before you haul off and say something super-offensive to a Black man in conversation. You also shouldn't feel pressured for forced to talk about race in America with a Black male potential partner, because that could be a turn-off, too. Just be aware of what's going on so that if any situations arise while you're together, you can approach his experience with some understanding.

Never Stand Up For The Police

Just don't do it. There's way too much documented evidence of police brutality and imbalance of justice against Black citizens for you to not look like an asshole in a political conversation.

Don't Accept Disrespect And Misogyny

If you do decide to be with a man who considers himself a "thug," treat him as an individual, but consider his behavior and words towards you. If he's kind to you, great, but if you get any sense that you're being spoken to in a belittling manner, are called out of your name, or expected to act and make love in certain ways that make you uncomfortable, walk away.

Be Financially Independent

Black men tend to receive a lot of messages from the media and the world that women want them for sex and money. If you step up to him and immediately start talking about material things, he's going to put you in a certain category and not take you seriously. Have something to say that's not on a script he's expecting.

Wait For The Right Man 

If you're determined to date Black men, make sure you're keeping a good reign on your own self-esteem, boundaries, and standards. There are plenty of kind, generous, affectionate, patient Black men in America. Know yourself and what you want in a human being. Dating an African-American man doesn't mean you have to lower your standards and be someone you're not. Wait for the right Black man who makes you happy.

Accept That The Love Of Your Life May Not Be Black

This is for all the hardcore lovers of Black culture, who have a pure adoration for Black men's strength and beauty. Open up a little bit. You can befriend and admire Black men for your entire life. You can be close to, spend time with, and enjoy the company of your Black male friends, but there may be a chance that the best person for you may walk right by you simply because you have been using your eyes and not your heart to find the right person.

Accept His Family...Especially His Mother

You should have complete respect for African-American men's families, particularly the matriarchs. Picking a fight, being inflexible, and causing drama at a family gathering will earn you quick excommunication.

If He Has One, Respect His Baby's Mother

At the end of the day, unless it's under certain extenuating circumstances, he's always going to take his child's mother's side. Creating a rift with her keeps him from his child. The interest of your partner’s child should be first and foremost for all parties involved. If you deny or insult his child, he will leave you. If you insult and can't along with the mother of the child, he will NOT trust you or respect you.

Class Always Wins 

No matter what color he is, if he's a good man, he wants to be with a good woman. If you can't go a couple of days without complaining or criticizing your partner with anger and disdain, HE deserves better. Why get with a man you don't get along with? Relationships should have more positives than negatives. Be kind to yourself and your man.

It's Completely Up To You 

It’s up to you to have a great relationship. If you have a problem with the way your man is acting, don't run to your girlfriends or mother. Talk to him! Black men are not unreasonable. If you're in a relationship with an adult, you should be able to have a constructive conversation if you're expressing your concerns in a respectful manner. You are in control of your own actions  keeping your relationship issues within your relationship and not taking your worries to outsiders is going to build trust in your relationship.

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